052607

I am not figuring this out, this drinking thing, it is totally crazy.

It's like nothing else compares, so that's all I want to do.

Even though when I don't, I seem to be okay, I have a different feeling about life.

But I am remembering some things I forget.

Like how I feel paranoid when I'm not drinking.  Or is it when I'm outa money?  Or cigarettes?

I don't know, and when I feel like that maybe I don't notice it because I've always had such visits of emotion, anger, anxiety, paranoia, whatever the hell it is.

I'm remembering how today I was carrying in the bags, and I wasn't mad at the neighbors, I was thinkin if they was there I would feel friendly and say Hi.

And how I was drivin today and seen these biker dudes and I wasn't makin fun of them and this guy behind me was all pushy, had a Domino's sign on, well earlier I was tryin to maybe let him go by, but then he didn't seem in a hurry, so I didn't turn right-- plus, the biker dudes had pulled up in front of me from my left, they makin a right, and passin this pretty girl in a summer dress, so I wanted to drive by and look at her and look at their bikes, and hear the bikes.

Well this dude now, he's all pushin up on me, but the biker dudes was next to me and he pulls around me but there they is, the bikers, and he is right on the tail of that one young man, and it seemed dangerst so I was bein curful not goin below no speed limit like some folk I know who take they time slow as you please-- I just bein safe, and what if that old man in the car with the Domino's thing, if them young mens hadn't got in the left lane to turnt, he mightof was almost runt over them, then he up ahead now and I'm lookin I wanna see what he look like, because he have a Christian license plate, says "UN2 GOD" and I axin myself why is he so mean if he "Unto God," and all that and you know that old boy was mad-doggin me in the rear view then he raise up his hand and point his finger, like shame on me!  I said, Lord, I ain't even gonna tich that 'cause that ain't right, man bein all hypocritical an whatnot.

When I got into Barnes and Noble I was surprised by how horny I was.

But whenever I would vibe someone, and it was all delicious and whatnot, then I would get into their life, then I would actually have us like, romantical and whatnot, and domestimacated, and I didn't like them at all.

And I was thinkin isn't there some girl around who is smart and have a nice ass but is a nerd and don't dress up too much, like me?

I seen all kind of pretty ladies there but man I don't really like their vibe.  I wouldn't even wanna be friends.  I seen they houses, and they mamas and they friends and family.  I seen they college, and they looks out for the future, and they future is all 'bout bein pretty and sussersful.  That is what I seen.

Couple times I seen shapely girls who was really pretty and not too skinny like some and they was passionate and didn't put on no makeup and all-- they had a earth vibe, and you could tell they was well-read and informed, kinda like a new-age type hippy-type person, but they all lesbos!  Ever' last one girl who I like as that, she turn out to be a lesbern.

Then I see this real nerdy woman who was not too pretty but she have a nice shape and clean skin, and a nice booty and nice hips, I can tell, with that dress on.

I was thinkin maybe that's the one, but she have a funny vibe, too.  Her vibe is like people from the 40's.  She have a vibe like my grandma or maybe some people I used to know in church, and she be thinkin 'bout the house and the babies, but it's all like we was in 1940, or somethin, she don't care too much about sex, neitha.

In fact, I have to say, whenever I do find someone who thinkin about sex, they be more on the ho-y side, I don't mean they look like a ho, I mean they be havin sex a lot, like my friend.  That boy is always havin sexshul relations.

Well, I don't just want no roll in the hay, though I used to, but after I done it I see it ain't so fun as you'd think, it would be more fun just thinkin bout your favorite pretty, which in fact I can say it is.

No, I am thinkin what I want in a lady friendship relational type development thing and I would like to have a G/F which as some folks calls it also known as a girlfriend.

But I seem to be 'bout as picky as them young pretty womens I was just dissin a few paragraphs ago.

I don't mean about looks, I see pretty where pretty is, but I do want a woman to like theyself because I ain't bein no babysitter or self-esteem enhancer.  I already done that, and I cain't fix you.  You got to do that to yourself.

I like a girl bein' down-home-ish, you know?  I don't mean skanky or whatnot, but I mean a lady what likes to play video games and is real smart, real clever-like, and maybe take it up the ass every now and then.

I like a lady who would be happy to go for a drive, or goin to a bookstore.  And a girl what will share stuff with me.

I am SO not into sexual unfairness, that word, I forget.

I ain't buyin you stuff so I could have your body, it ain't like that.

Shit, if it's like that, then you could buy me stuff so you could have my body.

Does that make any sense?

Or like this: say I meet some rich gay dude and I'm not all that thrilled about him but he lavishes me with stuff-- audio gear, a car, dinners, clubs, really show me the town, because he think I am all that.

He be buyin ever'thin, all I have to do is put out.

Now, that's tempting, ain't it?  But think about it, I don't even really like him, and I'm trading sex for stuff he buys me.

Hmmm...

That actually don't seem too bad.

See, I didn't give the example of a woman because it's less likely, though I would prefer that-- however I would be in constant fear that she was gonna get bored with me.  I would be dependent on her, and start doing anything, for her.

She might be getting bored and wants me to be in a threesome, or maybe she wanna whip me or something, maybe she want me to watch while she have sex with other mens, or whatever.

I don't have any judgement on these things on their own, but I would tend not to seek them out, myself.

But in that situation, the hypothetical me dependant on her might do them, might do other things for her, might do criminal things.  I can imagine a situation where a hot, rich woman could have tremendous power over me.  In another life.  It wouldn't happen in this life, because how my life is gone I would have grokk'd the situation well before hand and judged it not worthy, but I can totally feel how this could be.

I vibe a lot of women that are dependant on their men, this way.  To the exclusion of all else.  I'll see a couple, and I can see this thing, this power he has, and that's what they've both agreed on.  She's agreed to be this helpless little animal in return for him using her, if you will.

There's a girl at work, for example.  I remember when I first saw her, I was surprised at how closed her vibe was.  She's technically very pretty, but there was something odd.  Her vibe was like a flat thing, that if you viewed it straight-on, you couldn't see it, like she wasn't there, couldn't feel her, but from an angle, you could see it, sort of like a flat plane-- if you view it straight on, it almost disappears.

I heard her talking to someone about her boyfriend.  I got this funny feeling about them, and I started seeing how she was with him-- why she presented hardly any vibe, especially not a sexual vibe, because it was all going into him, like it was all draining into him.

I somehow knew they broke up a little after that, he was a jerk, or whatever.

But she still seems the same, she still has this really closed, blank vibe.

The problem for me was that I found her attractive and wanted to interact with her, but couldn't.

Usually I just vibe people and you can feel things opening up, but with her, even though I would send out very faint signals, she never picked them up, not even to be admired.

See what I'm saying?  Even if someone isn't interested in me physically, which would be most people at work, understandably-- this isn't a club, after all and I'm not Mr. GQ-- many people like you to vibe into them, because they like you to be curious about them.  And you can feel their vibe acknowledge, it's exactly like a handshake, but more sublime (sometimes it's like a hug, but those encounters may be an entirely other blog).

So with this chick that wouldn't happen.  So I did what I always would do in this case, I backed off, and closed almost completely.

Strangely, after this, she began looking at me, making eye contact, and talking to me.

Maybe she wasn't threatened, maybe she prefers her men to be standoffish.

Well, my temp position at the job was over, so when I came back 6 months later, she wasn't on our team any more and I only saw here here and there.

I always thought she was strange, like... a good body wasted on someone who is so unclear, or something.

She used to walk around with this thing on her upper arm, which showed calories she was burning.

She was obsessed with her looks and her body, but I'm not sure why.  Not sure what she was going for.

So I'm in Stater Bros one morning getting groceries, and I see her next to me in the checkout, out of the corner of my eye-- I'm like, I'm pretty sure that's her, but of course I have to check, and when I look over, she says Hi, and I say "Hi, (her name)" and continue on.

But in that space, I saw her eyes and you know what she had?

She had Christian eyes.  Those scared, female eyes.

Sometimes I see people as they will be, aged, and I saw her perfectly at that moment, it was like, BAM!  I saw her 15, 20 years from now.

***

I have no idea what I was writing... I had taken a long break (1 hr?  More?) to look at porn, and now that I'm back I don't want to continue this thread.

Oh well.

Tags: psychic vibes