I fell in love with Heidi when I lived in the old house in Redlands, in that little studio apartment in the old victorian house.  There were 5 or 6 apartments in that one house, and she lived upstairs from me.

When I first moved there, I remember seeing this young woman with glasses exit the house and walk down the street, and I watched her through my curtains.

I was instantly entranced with her, for whatever reason.

I never thought anything could happen, because I found her so attractive.

Eventually, she got to know me.

She would knock on my door and we would make small talk.  I was very nervous, and would always excuse myself from the conversation.

One time when Ryan and me were practicing some 17 Strokes songs, she came down and knocked on the door.  We'd been smoking, and the room was foggy with green vapor.

She wanted to show me something, and invited me up to her apartment.

I was really stoned, and feeling the usual empathy/sexuality feelings that would come so strong, and I remember I chanced looking up as we mounted the stairs, watching her bottom, inappropriately, those beautiful sensual curves that only women possess.

We got inside and I don't know what she was showing me, but she asked if Ryan and me were smoking, I delayed my response but I could tell she was okay so I said "yes," and she said, "I knew you did."

Later, I would have conversations with her and sometimes she would come down and knock and I would let her in and we would talk, and one time I was laying on my bed on the floor and she was really antsy, and she lifted up her top and she had this black lace thing underneath, she was showing me that.  One time she came to my door and I had just finished jacking off, I was heading for the restroom when there was a knock and I was like, "Who is it?" instead of just opening it, because I was all creamy and naked.  I said, "I can't open the door right now, I just... got out of the shower, I'm not dressed."  She later told me that was hot, thinking of me naked behind the door.

One time she invited me up and I sat on her couch while she stood in front of me, and we started talking very frankly about sex.

It was very sensual, a lovemaking without touching.

After that, we would sometimes reference our sexual attraction to one another.  This was strange, because I couldn't imagine a girl that I was so attracted to, also finding me attractive.

But she was 'liberated', a feminist of sorts, a writer and an artist, things which I could appreciate, things I had a background in.

In the early days, her boyfriend was this controlling, jealous guy.

The rage I'd sensed from her the first time I saw her out that window was related to early episodes of being molested.

She left this guy, got a restraining order.  Then she met Adam, this Christian guy who looked like me only way better (straight teeth) but was extremely Christian, and not her equal, mentally.  He also didn't seem to be very sexual, but maybe that's what she needed.

So it was while she was with him and he was off at work one day that I was up there in her apartment and we were talking about sex and I said, "I want to eat you.  I want to lie on the bed and you can straddle my face, put your arms on the wall, and sit on my face."

She declined.  Plus, I never knew when Adam was coming home, I was extremely nervous, but I couldn't shut up.

Another time, she knocked on my door and wanted to go to this weird restaurant that was very dark, and had a smoking section, back when those existed.

We ate and talked, and when we went outside she said something about oral sex-- there was always a sexual tension between us and I loved her company, but I also was very physically attracted to her.  She said something about sucking my cock, and I had the strange response of "I wouldn't come..."  I have no idea why I said that.

She said, "Yes, you would, you would explode in my mouth."

I later told Ryan this, and he burst out laughing.

"Yeah, sure you wouldn't!"

There's a picture of me and Ryan and Heidi.

He told me one time, he'd thought more than once of having some kinda threeway thing with her.  I thought how weird that would be, me and my friend, with our dicks out.

When I moved to northern California for 6 months, I was so lonely and so missed my friends, I wrote Heidi this strange letter telling her I wanted to make love to her, that I remembered hugging her goodbye in the apartment, and how she smelled, I wanted her to come up and see me.

She wrote me this very kind letter that she was in a relationship (Adam) so it was not respectful that I had said that.

I wrote back an apology, I never thought of the bigger picture back then, and she wrote a happy response that the apology was accepted.

One time when I lived there, she'd told me that she admired me, because I took so many risks.  I never saw myself that way.

Another time, feeling lonely and longing, I knocked on her door and said, "Go for a walk with me, come on."  I was so needy.

She declined, had things to do, probably knew what was really on my mind.

I got mad and stormed off, took the walk alone.

Anyways, I have been trying to find or get ahold of her or Jocelyn, two amazing women I knew before I met Nebraska.

After I met Nebraska, I no longer had any interaction with either Jocelyn or Heidi, probably knowing on a subliminal level that these women might call into question the rather strange relationship I had now begun to pursue.

So all today I tried to find Heidi, and I think she went to San Luis Obispo Cal Poly and became a teacher of English, but it seems only until 2004.  After that I find nothing.

I was thinking, there... there is the woman I'd like to marry.

I'd had a dream of her long ago, when I was living in Loma Linda, after returning from up north, and she would want to see me, and I wouldn't see her, because I had no concept of my own value.  She would get kinda mad, because we were friends.

I saw her at the coffee shop I worked at briefly when I was first dating Nebraska, and it was very emotional and I hugged her, and the only other time I saw her, I was walking with Nebraska down the street where I used to live, where Heidi still lived, and Heidi came out of that old house, and she saw Nebraska and me walking, down the street, and I got on the other side of Nebraska so that Heidi couldn't see me, I was that fucked up.  It was just the nervousness of social things and I thought Nebraska was everything and I didn't want to mess it up in any way, so I dropped my two previous very strong and sensual relationships with these wonderful women, Jocelyn and Heidi, and now I'm trying to find them both, looking them up on the internet.

I looked myself up, to see if someone could find me but I'm not sure.  If you google my band, you can find me.  But if you google my name, there's so many of us, I'm not sure.

Well.

I would like to marry Heidi, and have a child with her.  I figured it out, she's the perfect one, she matches me perfectly, and by now we both have worked out all the angst either of us could ever have had.

Isn't that strange.  She's gone, and now I'm ready.  Yet earlier, 10 or more years ago, neither of us could have handled a relationship with the other.

Tags: love