xyz49153

sorry boring-- goals

Wed, 01 Aug 2007 00:36:01 GMT

I remember why I started writing here, and this is superior for writing compared to myspace, but I don't have fans here, so that tends to get the readable pieces.

I use this more for thinking off the top of my head or trying to get ideas out that I can't put anywhere else.

Anyways, this one is about goals, hence the title of 'boring'.

I am going to find a way to build up my audio gear, yet again. This time, video gear as well.

I am not sure how to do this in one fell swoop or even small ones yet, so I am just going to talk about some things that have been splashing around in the old greay matter.

...

Sheesh, I go to myspace, read my mail, I'm in a totally different mood, now.

Dream of Celebration, Thom, Night Visions

Tue, 19 Jun 2007 12:48:05 GMT

Last night, and lately, I've had a tremendous number of dreams. I have not written them down.

Today I woke at 4 am, so there's nothing to do but write them down.

For now, I barely remember two that happened, and while I'm remembering I have a strong sense of this person at work, a vision I had, and that is getting mixed up in this, too, but that was not a dream, but a vision, and it's all getting mixed up with that song memory thing via Chromatique that I just talked about, and that's happening too, it's all happening and it seems like being alive is the most incredible experience.

***

I remember sitting in that room I had, by the open window, at the computer. The hills stretched out forever, the sun fell down, and the fog would come and go, and I remember that breeze that would sweep in, the smell of the hills. The feeling imbued everything. On the screen, that strange game, itself a bizarre exercise in atmosphere (the British one, where you were that little person and if you fell, the animation showed you scrunched to a ball-- I can't remember the name)-- I think I'm pulling from things, because the UK games and the UK songs had the strongest impact, how can an 8-bit computer game have 'atmosphere' to this degree-- I think I was doing what always happens, I was plugging into the time and the mentality and the surroundings of the person making it, just like on this song, I think Vangelis is UK, just like when I heard the Dots, but this is digression, I'm trying to point out how I get in the head of the person, I can feel their surroundings, this is why I can't enjoy all artists, because some of them have so much angst, and that hurts, or some artists are only in this euphoric state for a short period of their career, it's the time when you still have hope, it's like the way I felt back then, an artist too.

***

I was at this party for me, it was like the celebration I went to for my friend's graduation and her uncle was at my party, too. It was in some older brightly lit place that was sort of like the church we lived in, only the walls were like they were cinderblock covered with plaster or adobe... smooth, cream-colored walls. The place was messy like how we lived, various conglomerations of furniture with coverings.

I just remember feeling like I should be a good sport, I didn't care much that we were celebrating for me, I wanted to make sure the guests were comfortable and that my host knew I 'appreciated' it.

***

This other dream was similar, may have been an extension, because the 'house' was similar, but maybe a different area, certainly a different time. Thomas was there and there were dogs. There was also a piano.

I remember there were clothes everywhere, the furniture was in coverings, there were dogs, and Thomas was going out somewhere, maybe this was his house, and I decided to stay there for some reason, like I was gonna just hang out while he ran errands, and I was gonna play the piano.

It was pretty trippy because the house had the atmosphere and general shape (though larger) of Jeff's house in Banning, all those years ago. It also had the feel of a mixture of all my friends' houses. It's like the vibe was a mix of Jeff and Piers' houses, and our house, and Thomas' house.

Which is really weird. A 'house' (see Jung) which featured all the vibes of the places of my closest friends, all mixed into one.

***

Now there were other dreams, but I cannot remember them.

***

I had a very strange vision before I went to bed, the sort of thing that hits you, and you suddenly understand something of someone, better.

This involved a person that I work with, and the vision was bohemian in the extreme. It was the type of thing I would never think of, on my own. It just came to me, and I suddenly saw this person in a new way and had a new understanding of her, and of some others.

Thoughts Via Vangelis' Chromatique

Tue, 19 Jun 2007 12:04:27 GMT

061907

Last night was one of those times when I heard something and I was moved into another space, and my feelings were sort of like this mellow euphoria... this happens from time to time, it is often triggered by smells. As I'm older, this feeling will hold longer, even than when I was younger. There was a period of life where it hardly happened at all or so quickly I couldn't grab it.

When I was 17 I played this song on a dark grey day in our house on the hill. The windows were open and a breeze was shifting the wispy drapes. There was fog, it was late afternoon, and the song was pulling at my chest, as I thought of Barbara. The feeling was of love, yet also a profound sense of loss. The experience had a delicious pain. After it happened I would play the song again in my mind to feel that pulling in my chest, to see again the drapes blowing gently, the dark grey fog beyond the windows, and permeating it was Barbara, who I didn't even know. It was like I wasn't particularly in this life, anymore, I was in England, another time, another universe, some landscape of my heart.

So I found that song again last night, for the first time in years, I played it and it happened again, this strangeness, and it stayed with me, this landscape of feeling.

There were triggers of things remembered in there, from incredible perspectives that I have forgotten, amazing turns and curves, feelings and places, people, things, smells, dreams. I was in some land of beautiful dreams again, and it was in a strange way like being on ecstasy, because there was no judgement, only beauty.

I guess this feeling is like being in heaven, because no one dies-- there's just strange beauty, surrounding you, everything is incredible, not in a euphoric sort of way, but almost in a sad way. That sense of loss again, because this universe is a dreamland to most of us, because we don't believe it.

Searching for Heidi

Mon, 18 Jun 2007 02:00:55 GMT

I fell in love with Heidi when I lived in the old house in Redlands, in that little studio apartment in the old victorian house. There were 5 or 6 apartments in that one house, and she lived upstairs from me.

When I first moved there, I remember seeing this young woman with glasses exit the house and walk down the street, and I watched her through my curtains.

I was instantly entranced with her, for whatever reason.

I never thought anything could happen, because I found her so attractive.

Eventually, she got to know me.

She would knock on my door and we would make small talk. I was very nervous, and would always excuse myself from the conversation.

One time when Ryan and me were practicing some 17 Strokes songs, she came down and knocked on the door. We'd been smoking, and the room was foggy with green vapor.

She wanted to show me something, and invited me up to her apartment.

I was really stoned, and feeling the usual empathy/sexuality feelings that would come so strong, and I remember I chanced looking up as we mounted the stairs, watching her bottom, inappropriately, those beautiful sensual curves that only women possess.

We got inside and I don't know what she was showing me, but she asked if Ryan and me were smoking, I delayed my response but I could tell she was okay so I said "yes," and she said, "I knew you did."

Later, I would have conversations with her and sometimes she would come down and knock and I would let her in and we would talk, and one time I was laying on my bed on the floor and she was really antsy, and she lifted up her top and she had this black lace thing underneath, she was showing me that. One time she came to my door and I had just finished jacking off, I was heading for the restroom when there was a knock and I was like, "Who is it?" instead of just opening it, because I was all creamy and naked. I said, "I can't open the door right now, I just... got out of the shower, I'm not dressed." She later told me that was hot, thinking of me naked behind the door.

One time she invited me up and I sat on her couch while she stood in front of me, and we started talking very frankly about sex.

It was very sensual, a lovemaking without touching.

After that, we would sometimes reference our sexual attraction to one another. This was strange, because I couldn't imagine a girl that I was so attracted to, also finding me attractive.

But she was 'liberated', a feminist of sorts, a writer and an artist, things which I could appreciate, things I had a background in.

In the early days, her boyfriend was this controlling, jealous guy.

The rage I'd sensed from her the first time I saw her out that window was related to early episodes of being molested.

She left this guy, got a restraining order. Then she met Adam, this Christian guy who looked like me only way better (straight teeth) but was extremely Christian, and not her equal, mentally. He also didn't seem to be very sexual, but maybe that's what she needed.

So it was while she was with him and he was off at work one day that I was up there in her apartment and we were talking about sex and I said, "I want to eat you. I want to lie on the bed and you can straddle my face, put your arms on the wall, and sit on my face."

She declined. Plus, I never knew when Adam was coming home, I was extremely nervous, but I couldn't shut up.

Another time, she knocked on my door and wanted to go to this weird restaurant that was very dark, and had a smoking section, back when those existed.

We ate and talked, and when we went outside she said something about oral sex-- there was always a sexual tension between us and I loved her company, but I also was very physically attracted to her. She said something about sucking my cock, and I had the strange response of "I wouldn't come..." I have no idea why I said that.

She said, "Yes, you would, you would explode in my mouth."

I later told Ryan this, and he burst out laughing.

"Yeah, sure you wouldn't!"

There's a picture of me and Ryan and Heidi.

He told me one time, he'd thought more than once of having some kinda threeway thing with her. I thought how weird that would be, me and my friend, with our dicks out.

When I moved to northern California for 6 months, I was so lonely and so missed my friends, I wrote Heidi this strange letter telling her I wanted to make love to her, that I remembered hugging her goodbye in the apartment, and how she smelled, I wanted her to come up and see me.

She wrote me this very kind letter that she was in a relationship (Adam) so it was not respectful that I had said that.

I wrote back an apology, I never thought of the bigger picture back then, and she wrote a happy response that the apology was accepted.

One time when I lived there, she'd told me that she admired me, because I took so many risks. I never saw myself that way.

Another time, feeling lonely and longing, I knocked on her door and said, "Go for a walk with me, come on." I was so needy.

She declined, had things to do, probably knew what was really on my mind.

I got mad and stormed off, took the walk alone.

Anyways, I have been trying to find or get ahold of her or Jocelyn, two amazing women I knew before I met Nebraska.

After I met Nebraska, I no longer had any interaction with either Jocelyn or Heidi, probably knowing on a subliminal level that these women might call into question the rather strange relationship I had now begun to pursue.

So all today I tried to find Heidi, and I think she went to San Luis Obispo Cal Poly and became a teacher of English, but it seems only until 2004. After that I find nothing.

I was thinking, there... there is the woman I'd like to marry.

I'd had a dream of her long ago, when I was living in Loma Linda, after returning from up north, and she would want to see me, and I wouldn't see her, because I had no concept of my own value. She would get kinda mad, because we were friends.

I saw her at the coffee shop I worked at briefly when I was first dating Nebraska, and it was very emotional and I hugged her, and the only other time I saw her, I was walking with Nebraska down the street where I used to live, where Heidi still lived, and Heidi came out of that old house, and she saw Nebraska and me walking, down the street, and I got on the other side of Nebraska so that Heidi couldn't see me, I was that fucked up. It was just the nervousness of social things and I thought Nebraska was everything and I didn't want to mess it up in any way, so I dropped my two previous very strong and sensual relationships with these wonderful women, Jocelyn and Heidi, and now I'm trying to find them both, looking them up on the internet.

I looked myself up, to see if someone could find me but I'm not sure. If you google my band, you can find me. But if you google my name, there's so many of us, I'm not sure.

Well.

I would like to marry Heidi, and have a child with her. I figured it out, she's the perfect one, she matches me perfectly, and by now we both have worked out all the angst either of us could ever have had.

Isn't that strange. She's gone, and now I'm ready. Yet earlier, 10 or more years ago, neither of us could have handled a relationship with the other.

Futures

Sat, 16 Jun 2007 20:01:30 GMT

061607

I spoke with Emily today, at the bank, I think that's her name, the soft white girl. She is the one there who began engaging me in conversation, now the others do. She had mentioned seeing me walking, around here, she lives near here. I assume she has a boyfriend or is maybe even married, I thought I saw a ring, though maybe not a wedding ring. One time they got me talking about something and I was explaining differences between women's and men's brains and why women seemed better at multi-tasking.

Anyways, I was glad to see her and we asked each other twice, how are you doing. So it was kinda obvious we were trying to talk.

I think my second response was, "I just got off work, but it was overtime," and she asked where I worked, which I was glad to tell her.

I had been going in there for a while when I was unemployed, using my Mom's account, and cashing my unemployment checks. While it wasn't the mortal embarassment it would have been even a couple years ago, I was still self-conscious and wanted opportunities for these women to see me in a fuller way-- that I did in fact now have a job, and also, finally, my own bank account, and maybe they even noticed I was dressing better.

Now the other two, they're gorgeous, have boyfriends and are far too young for me, and I've already vibed them and while a few times I felt infatuation, whenever I zoomed it out to a bigger picture there was just nothing there, and by the next day all those happy thoughts were mellowed with whatever wisdom seems to now befall such visions.

But Emily is more mature, has a very good head on her shoulders, is very calm. I remember she vibed me when we were talking about how people treat each other. I had complemented her change in hair style, and she told me the story of how one day she tried something different, which she thought looked fun and zany and a customer came up to her and said, "What went wrong with your hair?"

So we know how the other is, to some degree-- through conversation and vibes.

She asked me about jobs where I work, and I gave her the lowdown, how great the environment is, the purpose, the pay.

She didn't seem too impressed with the pay, although I couldn't really give her a good idea on management, her interest, as she'll have a ba in that by December. I told her to look it up on the internet.

I want to talk about vibes that happen when I discuss things I care about or am delighted by, but I don't want this to become overly self-indulgent. However, it seems that in order to cover this, I shall have to be self-indulgent, and I apologize in advance. I am not attempting to brag, I think I am curious about how different I am from how I used to be, and it is in the interest of this comparison that I divulge the following observations.

This may have really started with Alison, when we would meet for coffee. I would start talking about things that were amazing to me, and I would be smiling, and I could feel this glow coming off me, and I could feel her watching me intensely. It was as if she were enjoying that glow, entering into it, and she liked it whenever I gave off that glow, because it was a healing thing she could bask in. Now, I wasn't conscious of this at the time, except that I may have been aware of not holding back, not being aware of my crooked teeth, weird stuff like that. It was only later in memory, the playback, I would see her sitting in that glow.

This has happened at work, where it didn't have a chance really to happen at my other jobs, for numerous reasons which I won't go into here, both with environment, myself, and the people I was engaged with.

But at this job, I remember it happening with Audrey, who I adore, who is getting married I believe Aug 2. When I came back, there was a disconnect, nothing hostile, but she was moving into the marriage and I... I was overcoming depression and often hungover. I shied from people, with my bleary eyes.

But lately, as I've drank less and been eliminating toxins, I can feel my vibe coming back, that thing that attracts people to you, where you turn and find them looking.

Again, I'm only saying this to acknowledge something happening that is new, coming from a history of such low self-esteem.

I remember yesterday, I was rather paranoid. I was feeling quite free and playful, though still on a down note, as I am still recovering from the abuse I've put myself through. I tend to feel a bit woozy, throughout the day. Sometimes my stomach hurts, I have to shit a lot, sometimes things look a little hazy, sometimes my body moves laconically.

But yesterday, I was more uppity, very fired up with getting all my work done that Friday, and really high on the music in my head.

Leah, my boss' boss may not have had much to do that day, she kept walking around, and it was making me nervous. I was over by the copier a long time and I was kinda moving to the tunes in my head, discreetly.

The music was so strong, I was just kinda moving to it, but I know it looked like just business, like I'd had too much coffee.

What's weird is no one does that, except Ray, who belts out in song. Sometimes Ray will come to our floor, I'll hear the far door open and close and he'll be singing, getting closer. Then he'll pass by us and I'll give him a nod or a smile, like keep it up, brother, and then he'll pass on through another door, he just felt like coming through singing.

While I was there at the copier I kept imagining, in my paranoia, Leah later making some observation about how wacky and 'out there' I was, and in my defense I say, "I'm like Ray. That's all."

Sometimes she smiles at me and I feel a lot of things off her, I pull a lot off her.

She's very attractive, and I remember when I was there before we were in a meeting and she sat across from me and that eye thing happened. It's sorta flirtation, but it's deeper. It's this immediate and deep appreciation for the person who's eyes your looking into, and the eyes always take on a deeper tone, and you see very clearly, past this life, you see back, to the soul, sitting there, looking out at you, timeless.

After that happened it was like we had this understanding, but then I left.

And when I came back, I was always hungover.

When she would smile at me, I would crinkle my face and turn my head in a manufactured smile, designed to put someone at ease, but conveying nothing. I don't show my eyes when I'm like that, there's nothing there to see.

I was subtly flippant, impersonal. Not inappropriate, but empty.

I could tell Audrey was not drawn, something in her was warning her back-- her background would dictate this.

These are all very subtle things, nothing that could ever be documented. The only thing you could document was that I seemed to be a good worker, who had friendly interaction with the people around me.

Sometimes my stomach would start hurting, and I'd have all this gas, and my body would hardly move, and I felt so bloated, I would get up to do something, grabbing some files or whatever, it's amazing I could do my work, and I felt my face looked like stone hiding pain and discomfort, moved about my task, shut in-- if someone approached and smiled, I gave them that smile that didn't show my eyes. A parody, they'd probably not know on any level consciously.

So recently I'm imagining a wife, and I can see her in certain ways, but in others I can't, because I know I'm not ready for that thing, that thing which will happen. I might be in my car, after work, going to the store, and I'll be thinking about a woman. But then I'll say, Seriously, dude-- do you really feel like going home to a woman, right now? To anyone?

No, right now I don't.

But I think about it a lot, and it's manifesting.

So when I was in the bank and I saw Emily of course I put her in this role, to see what would happen.

It was not bad, at all. Except that she has a boyfriend. Which is fine, for now, as I don't need a girlfriend. Maybe she'll leave him, maybe I'll be there. She would be a good mom. I don't know if she's the one. But when I vibe her deeper it seems she can handle certain things, even though a lot of what I would show her might be new-- but she's an older soul.

As for Audrey, she is definately more in touch with me, or I am with her, when I'm not hungover. The clearer I get, the clearer I can see her. She likes me. It's like she thought I'd disappeared and was delighted, today for example, and the other day, little tiny vibes I won't go into, where I felt her connecting with me again, or maybe I was connecting with her again, getting something back. Obviously she's getting married, they will probably move away, but she's a good connection, and I like her.

I don't know if I've written what happened with Barbi.

How the first time I saw her, the vibe off her was really strong, and I was pulled, and I started stealing glances at her. I thought at first it was some infatuation, but it didn't seem to be entirely physical, just a little. Her hair, the way she dressed, the way she moved, the way she talked to people.

At some point she asked me something and we engaged in this conversation and instantly our voices were very melodic and intimate, our bodies were intwined in this warm aura, there was an immediacy, a familiarity there, an instant appreciation.

At some point I sat across from her at a meeting, purposefully, and got a chance to make eye contact, and it was quite strange, the progression. She has these grey-green eyes. We made eye contact, but moved away then I caught this strange look on her face, some amused fascination that she didn't know she was showing, a strange nakedness. It was as if she saw me as a child, for just a moment, then I looked away, not wanting to embarass her.

The next time we looked I crooked my head and smiled, an endearing smile, "I like you."

I was surprised it came out, as I hadn't done that in years, an old style. It was designed to be calming, inviting, warm.

Sometimes I would let her look at me but I couldn't tell if she was, in my periphery. She could have been looking at the clock behind me, but then I remembered there wasn't one.

Finally I got one last look in and we held each other's eyes in this very somber moment, both empty, looking deep to some other emptiness, far back. There was no sex here, there was no endearing, there was just a timeless recognition. I nodded my head at her, while I held her eyes, to acknowledge, I saw that. I know what you're saying, I get it, you're not alone, we're both feeling this thing.

And later (I remember now I did write about this, I don't know if it was public, though) I saw her one more time before she left our team, I had to deliver something and she and a friend were leaving for their walk. As Brandi and I stood talking about some work-related task, our eyes never left the other's, and her friend stood there staring at us, the shy girl, taking all this in, whatever it was.

I never said goodbye as intended when she left, because there was no way to really get to the heart of this thing in her little cubicle at work while another person sat the next cube over. It just wouldn't have worked, so right now we each have the memory of this thing, and if we need to, we will find each other again and maybe see what this was about.

While I had intense visions of her at this time, some of them erotic, I seemed to move through that, I could see her husband now, and I could see it seemed some very small but solid sadness inside her, like a child had died, or something.

I don't know, but if she needs someone to talk to I'm quite sure she'll show up again, or I will find her.

None of them Equal Noelle

Fri, 01 Jun 2007 04:05:21 GMT

So I decide today that I want a girlfriend, I see the vision of her living here with me while we both work and save up for the child that we're going to have.

And I wrote the goals of what this girl would be like.

Then I went online to PlentyOfFish.com to find her.

I came up with a bunch of freakin losers.

I remembered Noelle, out of nowhere.

Now, there's a woman.

She's divorced, has like 4 kids, lives in Texas. She's a writer. She's compassionate, and passionate.

Suddenly all I wanted was Noelle, so I called her.

We talked a while, but I did tell her, that I called her because I was looking for women online and remembered her and how wonderful she was and I would love to lie naked with her and make love to her.

She had done this neat thing, she'd sent me a CD of some music she liked.

You know, the modern version of flowers is someone making you a compilation CD.

Well she did that, and she made these special graphics on the CD holder, and on the CD itself, and then she included this really nice thick stationary describing the various songs.

Now who does that, these days?

So I was very moved by this, it made me feel special.

Anyways. Here I am looking for women, and I can't find them, I can't find people who match me, but there was Noelle, and she keeps being in my dreams.

So I saw myself making love to Noelle, and I told her this, and she was cool with it, but she said we would crash and burn.

And I said, no we wouldn't, we would make love as much as we needed to, then we would be good friends, still, and I believe that.

Girl Goals

Fri, 01 Jun 2007 02:14:28 GMT

I figured something out. It seems strange even admitting it, but I think I want a family.

This occured to me last night when my friend Elaine called. We haven't talked in ages, but we stay in touch. We had dated about 3-4 years ago for 3 weeks or 3 months, I forget. We both decided to quit, and stayed good friends.

But when she was talking to me last night, granted, I was drunk-- in sober daylight I could see my folly, but I remember distinctly thinking how cool it would be to have a kid with her.

Because of that, because of that very strong feeling, I was thinking about it today, in a more sober way.

By that I mean that I know the ins and outs of me and Elaine, and we would not be a good combination for parents of a child, though I can't help but think that we would make the most adorable baby.

I saw the whole thing, her family and me, and the wedding, and then our life together, and as usual I had to admit that the reality wasn't worth the fantasy.

Still, I had to admit: I want a family.

First, I want a girlfriend.

Then I want a child.

I thought about this in a new way, perhaps because now I have (and will continue to have) a good job.

I also thought of this amazing new thing I'd never realized. I'd always assumed to live together we would have to get some place and spend all this money.

But she could stay here, we could pay my landlord more rent, and the whole thing would work, and here's how:

This is a one-bedroom house. Plenty for a couple just starting out.

It works like this.

This room, where the computer is, stays the computer room.

The ps3 and the laptop are in the living room.

Basically the huge importance of this is that one person can be in one room doing something, and another person can be in the other room doing something, so we both have space.

We would get a washer/dryer combination, and have it outside, paying extra rent, still saving over any other place we could get, now.

We would put a bed or futon in the living room, that's where we'd sleep and if someone wanted to sleep in here, they could do that, too.

So I can have a live-in girlfriend, right here.

We can save money and plan for our family, from here.

So then I started thinking about the woman I will meet.

She has a stable job.

In this economy, with the earning power of any average individual, it is accepted that both parents will work. This is just a fact of life, right now.

Plus, this gives her predictability, and stability, and it shows that she has the strength, she's been through similar things to me, she knows how to live on her own.

She doesn't watch tv.

This is a big thing with me. I am not gonna come home to some asinine tv blaring. Or, if it is, she can watch it in here. I will not have a tv in my main living space, it's offensive.

She is affectionate, she likes to be touched, she likes intimacy.

This is very important, this is huge.

We don't have to be all huggy in public, but my girlfriend will be one who likes to be touched, and who likes to touch, who delights in that way of relating.

She's not afraid to initiate this, either. Of course, I'm not.

She likes sex, she likes body fluids, she likes exploration and expression, physically.

She doesn't have hangups about her body. She doesn't have hangups about mine.

She doesn't have hangups about sex.

She's spiritual.

She's open-minded.

She's liberal-progressive.

She has done good research on child-rearing (as I have).

She likes video games (this is not a requirement, but would be nice).

She has a healthy sense of herself in relation to the world; she's not materialistic to a horrible degree, she's not a princess, she's not sexist.

She doesn't want a ridiculously expensive wedding.

She's comfortable with her body. Very important.

She's not offended by porn.

Now, as for looks.

At this point, it doesn't matter that much.

While I envision a blonde or redhead with a fine ass, she could be anything, any color.

She could be Asian, Black, Mexican, Native American, White, Indian.

Here's the only problems I see with cultures that are not white:

Asian: I don't find them attractive, unless they've grown up American, and I have seen very few of these. I don't tend to like Asian bodies. Call me a prick, but even that Asian girl at work, I can see her vibes and everything, and I'm not feeling it, for whatever reason. So while I'm open to the possibility, I think it's the least likely.

Black: there are some very attractive black women at work, and I'm not opposed to a relationship like this, but I am not sure how well I would handle all the social ramifications of this, as people in America, especially now, tend to be either super accepting or super opposed.

Mexican: there are still some cultural problems here, as I discovered with someone I dated. People judge you, it's stupid. But the biggest problem with Mexican culture is the whole stereotype sexist thing, which is really a big part of that culture: the woman does this, the man does that, and the whole family supports this. It would be hard to find a mexican girl who was not partial to this cultural push.

Native American? We are so different, and they are so rare and so unlike me, I just don't see this possibility. I'm not opposed-- I just don't see the potentiality, I don't see the possibility.

Indian-- Again, we have a cultural divide, with the whole family breathing down your back. And while I've seen many beautiful Indian women, I'm not motivated towards them physically, for whatever reason.

My attraction would tend to go like this:

1) White
2) Mexican
3) Black
4) Asian, Indian, Native American

What's sad is that mixing with a different "race" would create a better kid, we'd have a better gene pool-- the kid would be more resistant to disease, more intelligent, more pretty.

But it's much easier, culturally, to mix with a white girl, because the rhythms would tend to synchronize easier.

So I see a blonde or redhead, but as I said, I'm open.

I'm an ass man. You don't have to have any tits, if you have that ass.

Of course, I love nice titties, too-- so if you have great tits and a flat ass, that's okay, too-- I know, I've been there, and I have no problem with this.

I have no problem with any generally healthy body.

If you respect yourself, I'm okay, you and me will be fine.

So I've laid it out, I know what she's like, who I want, and this is going to happen.

Oh, I forgot to mention. I would prefer someone who doesn't already have kids. I did that. At this point in my life, I want to start fresh, and I am looking for someone from 26-33 who does not already have kids.

I'm not interested in someone who had kids already with some stupid asshole who left them.

Sure, I'd love the kids. But neither of us has enough money for this.

If I made 100k a year and could afford a 3-4 bedroom house, fine, I would be interested in women who already had kids.

It's really a matter of economics.

If you already have kids, that's a huge drain, economically.

If you only have one kid, you can't come live here.

I want to find someone who is single, who can come here and be my girlfriend, and we can have a baby and get married if you want.

As I said, if money were no object, not only would I not mind you having kids, I might not even need to have my own-- I'm almost certain of this.

However, money is a huge object, for most of us in this world, and I am not going to jeapordize my life or yours or the lives of your children simply because I and you do not make enough money.

It's not worth it, and it's not right for the kids.

Letter to Alison, Love

Wed, 30 May 2007 04:42:00 GMT

Hi Alison,

Your daughter is a crack-up. It's like she knows exactly what she's doing. She is quite a ham for the camera! Quite an evolved being, and so full of light. That picture of her with the spaghetti totally looked like you, but when I studied it, I couldn't find out why. She has your lips, but other than that, physically, she's like a perfect conglomeration of you and Eric.

I guess she was portraying a vibe that is like you when you're super happy.

We were watching John Edwards, and I was like, Star, look at him, doesn't he look like Alison's husband, the head? They're both Italian!

She was like, "OMG, totally."

I hope this doesn't offend, but I found it interesting.

I don't want to seem totally cheesy but I'm glad that you have him, he seems like a very old soul, exactly what you needed. And I think you're what he needed, and I think you're both what your daughter needed and I think all of you are blessed, and I'm happy for all of you.

Happy for Eric, because he is with such an amazing and spiritual person, happy for you because you are with such a grounded man (this is very good for you), and especially happy for your daughter, for having such wonderful parents.

***

I want to tell you about something.

I found this CD you had made for me, called "Tossed Salad: All Mixed Up"

It's been gone missing for years, but I found it and took it to work, because we can listen in headphones while we work (I have the most awesome job).

I got hit with a bunch of memories that I'd forgotten, for whatever reason.

In respect to your marriage, I love you as a friend, but I am no longer in love with you.

When I knew you were leaving and had found your person, I stopped being in love with you.

This gave me a profound sense of relief, because I felt that you had found the proper person for you, and it all made sense. The vibrations were all very harmonic.

But I want to talk about this thing, my experience hearing this music that you made for me, because what happened is that I remembered all the things we did together and I remember how much love you gave me, even though we were never together physically, which I had originally wanted, but I am glad we were not.

I am glad that you stood by your boundaries.

You were like, no, I don't feel that, so I'm not going there.

The overwhelming feeling that I had, in this remembrance, was that I had no regrets with you, I had no remorse, I had no anger.

When I was with Nebraska, I fell in love with you when you worked at Starbucks, and I was so embued with you that it made me look hard at the relationship that I was in.

By that time, I had mostly paid my dues.

I had helped raise and be a father to Elijah, from the time he was 2, to when he was 6, I had been a Dad to Prindi who was in her teens, and I had been there for all of Sky's traumas.

When I look back on that bizzare relationship, the best thing was the kids, and I was there for them through that time, and I think I was a strong and loving father figure.

But at some point I was in love with you, and it felt way more real than anything I had with Nebraska, so I broke up with her, because I believed in what I felt with you.

I actually thought that we might be physical, and I didn't want to cheat on Nebraska, and I was in love with you, so I broke up with her, having helped raise Elijah and give Prindi a solid father-figure/friend and being there for Sky, too.

When I listened to this music, I started remembering what a profound friend you were to me.

It was like, you healed me, so totally.

If it hadn't been for you, I might have killed myself.

Everything was so horrible and desperate, yet here in the middle of it I could visit this wonderful person who I loved, for coffee, and we could talk, and I remember the sun setting over those talks, of God knows what.

I remember when I was living at my sister's and had a shitty job.

I'm 30+, I live at my sister's, and I have a job in retail.

Worthless.

Yet you let me visit at that huge house in Colton, and you made me rice and beans, and we had beers, and talked about music, and you talked about wondering whether or not you should have a kid! HA!

And I kept trying to get with you, and you wouldn't.

I am so glad that you didn't.

That might sound stupid, but it's as if you saw the bigger picture.

So when I listen to that music you made me, I have nothing but good feelings.

It's not like other women I've known, where there's all this bizarre bad feeling mixed with sensuality.

I don't have any bad memories, associated with you, no bad feelings.

You were so loving.

It's like you taught me love.

You let me love you, and you loved me, and yet you wouldn't let me be with you.

But you still loved me, and let me love you.

And I don't think that profound experience would ever have happened if we had done things my way, in fact, I know it would'nt have.

I think you are a very wise person, Alison.

And I think, that you kept me alive.

And I'm so glad I'm alive today so that I can enjoy my nephews.

And they will never know, but I'll know, that I have you to thank for that, because of your capacity for love.

A Night With Tiffany (final version)

Wed, 30 May 2007 03:36:25 GMT

The earlier version I edited pretty heavily, the first version was crap. But when I went to post it on myspace, thinking it was halfway-decent, I realized I still needed to edit more, to get rhythms down, at least in the introduction, and to invite people in. I only edited the intro, which was wasted space, anyway. No one cares. They want a good story.

A Night With Tiffany
Current mood: weird
Category: Life

When I heard this music, I remembered an innocent expectation.

I went to college cities, filled with young women, and the vibration in the air was absolutely intoxicating. I thought that because I felt this, my premonition would lead to actuality.

These starry nights struck me, but I was no match for myself.

In any fight, I would always take myself down, often in the first few rounds, a knockout punch between the eyes, bloodied nose, eyes rolling back, body hits the floor, and you're down for the count.

I began to take risks, so that I came to creep on the potentiality of experience.

Surprised, when Heidi, who I was totally enamored of and totally in lust and maybe in love with, told me: "I admire you. You're a free spirit. You do whatever you want."

Even with her saying that, even with all the wonderful things she told me, I still chose to not believe.

I had been choosing this for years.

Here's a rather strange example, one of many:

I was at my friend's college dorm, I made myself go there, because I knew that I was supposed to do scary things, be around people. I'd read lots of books about shyness and human sexuality. I was informed, I knew the risks, I knew the potential paybacks, I was ready to jump.

So I got all gussied up, and went out and somehow Tiffany was there.

Tiffany was David's new sister-in-law, and I really liked her.

This brings up that whole night when David called me when I was 19 because I had a car and he didn't, and his mom wanted us to track his Dad, follow him, because she suspected he had a girlfriend (she was right). I lived on the mountain, and his Dad worked at a boys' home, there. She thought he was cheating, and David asked if I would pick him up that evening, go up the mountain and wait for his Dad to leave, then follow him to see where he went-- sometimes reaching speeds of 77 mph in my old car.

I was in love with David's mom. Totally in love. I loved her, I was in love with her, I lusted her, I suspect I even became friends with David... because of his Mom. When I first met David in computer class, he was really nerdy and had more bizarre social behaviour than me. But at awards night (I got an award for computer programming), I saw David there, but I also saw his Mom, and I was totally consumed with her vibration. I knew I was in love and I knew that David was going to be a very dear friend of mine, and I would get to see his mom.

Anyways.

So us chasing his Dad in my old Camaro is another story, but ultimately they divorced and she found this really cool guy with a really hot daughter, a couple years older than me. This would be Tiffany.

Tiffany was hot in the strangest way. She was way out there, real hippiesh, but pretty, though goofy, and I was entranced with her.

Being entranced with women is nothing new to me.

So we're at this party at my friend's dorm, and Tiffany is there, and things start to wind down.

How is Tiffany there. I don't know. Life is full of weird coincidences.

The dorm is very small, painted white, there's a small tube tv (hey, this was the early 90's!) on the dresser, lots of bottles, a couple table chairs, and bunkbeds.

The lights were off, but the door was open, and Tiffany sat in front of that door in a kitchen chair, the light streaming over her from the hallway, facing me.

I was sitting in a chair about 6 feet from her, which was almost the length of that tiny dorm.

My friend was in his top bunk, just laying there. I don't know if he was talking to us or I thought he'd passed out, or what.

Tiffany sits in this fricken straight-backed chair, and I'm sitting in a chair, and she's looking at me.

It was obvious I liked her, I had found a way, through David, to write her letters.

I used to write her letters, snail-mail, and she would write me, and the letters smelled wonderful, which she said she did on purpose.

So it's not like there wasn't something there.

I guess. I dunno.

Anyways, I'm looking at her, wanting her desperately, but also fighting with a profound feeling of being a worthless piece of shit.

So my idea, whenever this would happen was that, I hoped she would come over and "be" with me.

I was always hoping things.

I was not very aggressive, our entire family was not. We tended to let things happen to us.

So Tiff and I sat there looking at each other, and nothing happened. What started as a really positive-vibe flirtation "I am excited by you" thing became something less because neither one of us moved.

I didn't go over there, and I started to feel depressed. I was the man, I was supposed to do something, but I couldn't, didn't she like me enough to just come over and "be" with me?

The vibration was changing, because I didn't know what to do, and she didn't, I didn't know how to make her come over and be with me, I didn't know how to approach her without my voice shaking or without being goofy, and my friend was in the upper bunk so he might be aware of anything stupid I might do.

Everything hinged on every next perceived action or inaction, like: one move, and you get a fatality, and I always thought it was a 10% chance of success, so I never really went for that perceived 10%.

I could have said her name, quietly.

"C'mere."

Waving her over, like we have a secret. That makes a smile. The vibes are saying what's real. We both know all the ramifications of this standoff.

Now I'm going to move first, no matter how silly it seems, because I know you would like me to, and at the very least, we can smile at the sheer goofiness of it.

Wave of the hand, a comforting, playful tug.

You don't look at her in that way, you simply motion her over, because you want her closer, and you know that she wants to be close. She wants comfort, you know that now.

You project this idea, of holding, of warmth, of security.

It's not a question of lust. It's a question of trust, of comfort, of serenity. The way it feels when you need to be held so badly, and then suddenly, someone's holding you, and you're holding them, and everything is right in the world.

That didn't happen.

We were looking at each other with an open abandonment, an obvious need.

I didn't know what to do, all I knew to do was send sex vibes. I knew that I wanted her, that's all I knew, and I projected that.

The vibration began to fail. She doesn't want neediness, she wants comfort. She doesn't want to comfort me, she wants to be comforted.

I felt worthlessness draw it's heavy blanket down me.

I've failed. I have failed you.

I could feel my face pulling down, I could feel that needy thing coming out of my eyes.

Please please please come over to me, stand up, walk over, and sit on my lap and hold me, show me you need me.

She got up from the chair.

She climbed into the top bunk with my friend.

They proceeded to make out.

I sat there a moment and listened to them, and thought what a piece of shit I was.

When they started fucking, I went over to the tv, and drank the leftovers from every bottle.

They were in blankets, in semi-darkness, moving in those intimate ways.

I drank the leftovers of every bottle until I didn't care how much they moaned.

I got into the bottom bunk and passed out.

I never heard them come.

A Night With Tiffany

Wed, 30 May 2007 03:15:27 GMT

I looked into this mirror backwards and accidentally, found another universe.

I heard music, I was transported to a time when I the future would unfold to an amazing thing, an experience of something I'd tasted, but which I would have, forever.

I was with friends, entranced by life, with love and possibility, the colors in a person's space, the smells, the sounds of our voices, alive and full of sensual promise.

I felt this, at work.

We can listen to music in headphones.

When I put this in, I was so overcome with emotion, I was crying, though no one noticed.

The absolute beautiful possibility of everything, I saw it, sitting at my desk, I felt it.

I had always assumed it would happen.

Our family spending some goofy boring day at Lake Fulmor, and the whole time I kept thinking I was going to meet a girl, I always thought that, wherever we went.

On the ride home, I fight with my family, so mad that nothing had happened, and back home, potentiality was drained, if there was one, in the first place.

I felt passion in things, in art, I expected my life would fill with such passion, that women would love me, I would be taken on some wild flight, that all the things I felt when I listened to music would really happen, because I felt them.

Surely, these things just happened to people, because I would look at people's lives, and some didn't have to try, for any of the things I wanted.

Attractive and popular, charismatic-- as if they had always been that way.

It was so easy for them, I assumed eventually it would happen to me.

I just happened to learn music, I just happened to be an artist, I just happened to be intelligent, so it seemed to follow that with these qualities I would just happen to find support and love and romance and all the beautiful emotional things that I felt, but was often short of actually experiencing.

So when I heard this music, I remembered that innocent expectation.

I went to college cities, filled with young women, and the vibration in the air was absolutely intoxicating. I thought that because I felt this, my premonition would lead to actuality.

I always thought this. I thought that when a girl flirted with me, I was attractive, therefore she would eventually seduce me.

Of course in actuality the flipside to this is that I was so bogged down with esteem and social anxiety issues, that later I remembered, a number of woman actually did make passes-- and I blew them all off because I was desperately frightened of the very thing I wanted, and I suppose it didn't fit my self-construct which was generally: worthless ugly person who sometimes felt attractive.

I was no match for myself.

In any fight, I would always take myself down, often in the first few rounds, a knockout punch between the eyes, bloodied nose, eyes rolling back, body hits the floor, and you're down for the count.

When I remembered these things, when I remember these starry nights, it struck me, because I have apparently turned this thing off.

I have turned off the belief, because I learned (or chose to accept) that the belief fails.

Of course, I taught myself that.

I began to take risks, so that I came to creep up on the experience of potentiality. I remember being totally surprised when Heidi, who I was totally enamored of and totally in lust and maybe in love with, told me: "I admire you. You're a free spirit. You do whatever you want."

Even with her saying that, even with all the wonderful things she told me, I still chose to not believe.

I had been choosing this for years.

Here's a rather strange example, one of many:

I was at my friend's college dorm, I made myself go there, because I knew that I was supposed to do scary things, be around people. I'd read lots of books about shyness and human sexuality. I was informed, I knew the risks, I knew the potential paybacks, I was ready to jump.

So I got all gussied up, and went out and somehow Tiffany was there.

Tiffany was David's new sister-in-law, and I really liked her.

This brings up that whole night when David called me when I was 19 because I had a car and he didn't, and his mom wanted us to track his Dad, follow him, because she suspected he had a girlfriend (she was right). I lived on the mountain, and his Dad worked at a boys' home, there. She thought he was cheating, and David asked if I would pick him up that evening, go up the mountain and wait for his Dad to leave, then follow him to see where he went-- sometimes reaching speeds of 77 mph in my old car.

I was in love with David's mom. Totally in love. I loved her, I was in love with her, I lusted her, I suspect I even became friends with David... because of his Mom. When I first met David in computer class, he was really nerdy and had more bizarre social behaviour than me. But at awards night (I got an award for computer programming), I saw David there, but I also saw his Mom, and I was totally consumed with her vibration. I knew I was in love and I knew that David was going to be a very dear friend of mine, and I would get to see his mom.

Anyways.

So us chasing his Dad in my old Camaro is another story, but ultimately they divorced and she found this really cool guy with a really hot daughter, a couple years older than me. This would be Tiffany.

Tiffany was hot in the strangest way. She was way out there, real hippiesh, but pretty, though goofy, and I was entranced with her.

Being entranced with women is nothing new to me.

So we're at this party at my friend's dorm, and Tiffany is there, and things start to wind down.

How is Tiffany there. I don't know. Life is full of weird coincidences.

The dorm is very small, painted white, there's a small tube tv (hey, this was the early 90's!) on the dresser, lots of bottles, a couple table chairs, and bunkbeds.

The lights were off, but the door was open, and Tiffany sat in front of that door in a kitchen chair, the light streaming over her from the hallway, facing me.

I was sitting in a chair about 6 feet from her, which was almost the length of that tiny dorm.

My friend was in his top bunk, just laying there. I don't know if he was talking to us or I thought he'd passed out, or what.

Tiffany sits in this fricken straight-backed chair, and I'm sitting in a chair, and she's looking at me.

It was obvious I liked her, I had found a way, through David, to write her letters.

I used to write her letters, snail-mail, and she would write me, and the letters smelled wonderful, which she said she did on purpose.

So it's not like there wasn't something there.

I guess. I dunno.

Anyways, I'm looking at her, wanting her desperately, but also fighting with a profound feeling of being a worthless piece of shit.

So my idea, whenever this would happen was that, I hoped she would come over and "be" with me.

I was always hoping things.

I was not very aggressive, our entire family was not. We tended to let things happen to us.

So Tiff and I sat there looking at each other, and nothing happened. What started as a really positive-vibe flirtation "I am excited by you" thing became something less because neither one of us moved.

I didn't go over there, and I started to feel depressed. I was the man, I was supposed to do something, but I couldn't, didn't she like me enough to just come over and "be" with me?

The vibration was changing, because I didn't know what to do, and she didn't, I didn't know how to make her come over and be with me, I didn't know how to approach her without my voice shaking or without being goofy, and my friend was in the upper bunk so he might be aware of anything stupid I might do.

Everything hinged on every next perceived action or inaction, like: one move, and you get a fatality, and I always thought it was a 10% chance of success, so I never really went for that perceived 10%.

I could have said her name, quietly.

"C'mere."

Waving her over, like we have a secret. That makes a smile. The vibes are saying what's real. We both know all the ramifications of this standoff.

Now I'm going to move first, no matter how silly it seems, because I know you would like me to, and at the very least, we can smile at the sheer goofiness of it.

Wave of the hand, a comforting, playful tug.

You don't look at her in that way, you simply motion her over, because you want her closer, and you know that she wants to be close. She wants comfort, you know that now.

You project this idea, of holding, of warmth, of security.

It's not a question of lust. It's a question of trust, of comfort, of serenity. The way it feels when you need to be held so badly, and then suddenly, someone's holding you, and you're holding them, and everything is right in the world.

That didn't happen.

We were looking at each other with an open abandonment, an obvious need.

I didn't know what to do, all I knew to do was send sex vibes. I knew that I wanted her, that's all I knew, and I projected that.

The vibration began to fail. She doesn't want neediness, she wants comfort. She doesn't want to comfort me, she wants to be comforted.

I felt worthlessness draw it's heavy blanket down me.

I've failed. I have failed you.

I could feel my face pulling down, I could feel that needy thing coming out of my eyes.

Please please please come over to me, stand up, walk over, and sit on my lap and hold me, show me you need me.

She got up from the chair.

She climbed into the top bunk with my friend.

They proceeded to make out.

I sat there a moment and listened to them, and thought what a piece of shit I was.

When they started fucking, I went over to the tv, and drank the leftovers from every bottle.

They were in blankets, in semi-darkness, moving in those intimate ways.

I drank the leftovers of every bottle until I didn't care how much they moaned.

I got into the bottom bunk and passed out.

I never heard them come.

goals

Tue, 29 May 2007 01:56:44 GMT

Supposed to write down goals in order to achieve things, so I regularly do this when I think of them, to enable manifestation.

Help humanity. Not sure how this will work. I watched John Edward today, haven't seen him in ages, and I get really excited about that, but I'm interested in something off that track-- not so much 'dead people,' but more helping people with their innate abilities or helping raise humanity's consciousness, or helping people learn to heal, physically, mentally, emotionally. I like to empower people, that's what I like to do, and I like to inspire people. So that is a goal. It doesn't need to be my job, I'm not desperate for a job, like I used to be. But interacting with people in this way has always been profoundly stimulating to me. I have thought of being open to a tutor, or something-- but this doesn't really open up-- I'm not sure. I may want to write. I'm surprised at my interest in writing lately, it may come from the fact that once again I am reading really good books. I am not sure what I would write, fiction or something else. Obviously, I still want to do all the art I have ever done-- music, moviemaking, painting and drawing, sound plays, 'graphics (the humorous kind I do with Piers).

So this is the goal of a life of expression, creativity. My life has always been this, but it has been so hampered down by strange forces, many formerly within me.

I have the goal of creating my home as a more pleasant place for me and friends and family. As it is, this room is a mess, full of junk (not all thrown away because there are some gems in there), and I have some boxes of relationship baggage that I think simply must be thrown out. I really do. It's no disrespect, but throwing those away could enable more healing.

So clean this room and throw stuff away, buy or make some art for the walls, get the shower fixed, make the kitchen more functional. These are home goals.

Work goals are getting better clothes, doing my job to the utmost, promoting, being helpful.

Appearance goals are white teeth. I will do this, whether or not I ever intend to date. Right now I'm self-conscious about my teeth, and this limits my ability to interact positively with others.

Reduce alcohol intake so that I can clean my aura, raise my vibration, meditate, get clarity on what I'm doing here, and be a positive force in the world and for my friends and family.

Clean my car, remove all the junk in the trunk and the backseat, pay it off, get a bicycle. I think a lot about a new car, because I am a little embarassed by the frumpiness of this one, but I also think a lot about just keeping this, and having the bicycle, using plane, train, or bus if I need to go far.

Facing Whatever

Tue, 29 May 2007 01:40:21 GMT

052807

So tonight I'm not drinking. I've been drinking all weekend, and I would tonight, but I have no money.

Which means facing whatever I'm doing when I'm drinking all the time and trying to figure out why.

The simple fact is, getting drunk is funner than anything else I might do at this time.

It makes writing funner, it makes videogames a LOT funner, and it kills time.

I was driving home, feeling sorta sad with the expectation of coming here with little to do, and time to kill, when I remembered that I purposely borrowed three movies from Star-- movies and books are generally a great alternative to getting drunk, but all of them only function once. Movies and books cost $8-$25, and while a movie can fill an evening because of it's intensity, a book might take two evenings, or one day.

Then it's done, and you've spent all that money.

It's much easier and cheaper to get drunk. Getting drunk is it's own form of entertainment.

If I were to substitute movies, books, and music for alcohol, I would need 2-3 new cd's a paycheck (that's at least $45), 5-10 books ($45-80), and I can't rent movies so I'd have to buy them-- so 4 movies a pay period is $80.

I can't buy stuff online, because I don't have a credit card or an account with a visa or mastercard logo because my credit got messed up, for now. Otherwise, I could save a lot on all these things, and I could also rent movies, which would be better, since I never re-watch movies until at least a year or more later.

So that all comes up to aroun $200/pay for entertainment, as an alternative to alcohol, but I would also want to be able to bring food home sometimes, so add another $40 for that, and if I want to go out to the movies on a weekend, or a date, you can add another $15-80 to that, so now we're around $300 per paycheck whereas liquor and smokes are costing about $170 per pay period.

Still, I should try this. I don't think I have $300 extra and at this point I'm going to have to wean myself off the alcohol anyway.

So I could technically by all that stuff on payday, then get drunk through the weekend, then after that I could relay for the next 8-9 days on the media I've bought, instead of getting drunk.

***

Anyways, I was thinking, what am I afraid of, what am I avoiding. I have a yearning for romance and possibly family, but neither of those is profoundly strong at this time. And when I really think about it, right now, I would still rather be alone with my thoughts, and great art, and being able to write down ideas.

There is a feeling of loneliness, but I'm not sure what that is, because it's nothing like I had in my youth, it might even be leftover radiation, and not even an issue. If my brain is stimulated, I seem to be okay though when I'm not drinking I can get hyper. Which is why I started taking 5-htp and Niacin.

I also need to remember to eat regularly, to keep my bloodsugar up-- I will often eat less when I know I'll be drinking, so that I can get more drunk, and have more energy, also because liquor already makes me feel bloated, on food it's just worse.

I also got charcoal tablets so that I can start healing my stomach. I have been getting profoundly bloated at times, even with the digestive pills, and I am not sure what that is, but charcoal absorbs toxins and I think once I've done this enough absent the beer, I can start healing my stomach enough that I don't have to put something in it to make it feel better. I often have to eat every 3-4 hours whether I want to or not, or I get stomach pain, which goes back to my childhood.

But anyways.

There's no reason I need a relationship right now, it would be better for me to be alone at this time, as in the past I have always forced relationships on myself, just for intimacy, and I have rarely been with someone I actually wanted to be with.

So for now, I'd rather be with no one.

So I'm still not sure why I keep drinking, except maybe a fear of boredom.

Dream of the Sociopath

Mon, 28 May 2007 16:26:55 GMT

052807

This dream was so strange because it was very long and deep, and as usual I didn't know I was dreaming, until things were too crazy and in some kindof desperation I tore out of there-- I remember, just before leaving, thinking how strange everything was, with some incredulity-- not so much strange in a weird sense, but strange that I had somehow landed in this particular misadventure.

The dream had Noelle again-- I haven't seen her since high school, though I've talked with her fairly recently, but I'm not sure why I've had a number of dreams about her, though she is a sort of kindred spirit, in a way, a pal.

So Noelle and I are in this place like a casino, full of people. The carpet is red, there are a great many types of people there, and there are tables where they're gathered, others are moving purposefully and there are shiny bars.

All of this is a periphery sort of input, not very specific visually, and the feel of the vibe is casino-- a place where all sorts of humans gather from all walks of life, in the pursuit of games or dreams.

Casinos are interesting because so much of human desire is wrapped up in one place. The desire for money, which is power, which I think also is a sort of desire for equanimity, or fair chances-- if I'm struggling to make ends meet, I dream that I can 'get a break' and have the sudden miracle of enough money to not have to worry about the things that it's absence prescribes.

The desire for food, the desire for escape, the desire for sex. There is voyeurism and exhibitionism, though I'm not too sure about altruism.

My memory of the dream starts here, though the dream had stuff before it, like Noelle and I going through long corridors and up elevators, as if we were looking for something.

We were standing at a table, a green felt table, and other people were surrounding the table.

Earlier in my dream, we had been having interaction with this young man (early 20's?), he was sorta skinny and had medium-brown sorta long hair, kinda wavy-curly. He had the charisma and vibration of a person who would normally front a band, he had that busy feel, that sorta manic confidence. He had been talking to me and Noelle before we got to this table, and we were hanging out with him presumably to get to some other goal.

All of this is unclear. I just know he was talking to us a lot, engaging us with various ideas and stuff but he was really manic, had a lot of energy.

The table was round or octagonal, and Noelle and I were standing say, south, and he moved to the east end, a small table, so we were separated from him by maybe two people.

And he says something like, "I'm just gonna go ahead and do this," and lowers his pants and begins to masturbate. He's already erect, and he comes instantly, ejaculating on the table. I remember looking at his face, he was grimacing, and spit was coming out of his mouth.

Suddenly, everyone at the table pulled away, making involuntary sounds.

I remember watching all this happen, and feeling some alarm at the inappropriateness of the behaviour.

While in a private setting with agreement between all parties involved, this might be somewhat arousing, here, it just felt wrong.

Because while he didn't hurt anybody, and it's not really offensive in that sense, he overstepped a very clear social boundary.

And the thought is, if he doesn't know that boundary, maybe he doesn't know others. He could be capable of anything, and so the perception was that this man volatile, and unsafe.

When he did it, it was kinda like he was showing off, mixed with his particular need at that point to find release. He'd already been all hyped up, and maybe part of it was this sexual pressure, so he just unloaded right there. It was like he was all horny, and imagined that other people would find his release as attractive as he did. This is typical of sociopathy, where you only can see yourself, you have no sense of the people around you-- like a two-year-old, you believe that your world is their world.

But this was sociopathic behaviour, as in our culture you simply cannot do this, not to mention, someone has to clean it up.

If it was really that bad, he could have waited and found a restroom, at least, done this in privacy.

But he did it in front of everyone, and people reacted like someone had been shot.

There was pandemonium around the table, and I remember seeing a couple near that table, some poor woman with her husband, the woman was some repressed type, and when she saw it, she stood up, mouth in an 'oh,' overturning her table, and was moaning at this incursion of raw humanity, into her world, somehow traumatized.

Everything was chaotic, and I wanted to get Noelle and myself out of there, so we held hands and found exits, I remember an elevator door but I don't remember riding it.

We were outside, in the night, in someone's car, I think Noelle and me sat in the back and two people were up front.

These seemed to be people that we "knew" but could have been people we had just met.

The car was driving around, we were trying to find where I had parked my car so Noelle and me could go home.

The windows were open, I remember the lights of the street, I remember the feel of the night.

Everything was so visceral, as it often is in these dreams, that's why I didn't know I was dreaming-- because everything felt so real.

At some point, I was in a parking lot near my car, and I don't know where Noelle was, and then I woke up.

Precursor to Hive Mind?

Sun, 27 May 2007 23:45:34 GMT

052707

I was thinking about my dependency on the internet. To help me remember. I saw my neural net connecting with the internet, in a dependent relationship. If I use the internet more and more, what would happen if I suddenly was without it? Could I still think? Of course, it is not solely a dependent relationship, but more of a... what's the word... membrane... co-habit... mutually uplifting... co-... damnit, I have not used this word in ages, and it's not the type of thing I could easily find on the internet. It's like healthy bacteria. Bacteria can be very bad, and kill, or it can be a necessity. We need bacteria, and our bodies have an agreement with healthy bacteria. We give them a place to live, they help us digest food, or whatever.

Symbiotic. That's the word.

Our relationship with the internet is symbiotic, not co-dependent. Because the internet gives me things, but I also give it things, by blogging, or posting my own music or videos.

But these things do not benefit the internet per se, they benefit (potentially) the humans connected to the internet.

It is a web, where everything is somehow connected to everything else, just like us in the cosmos, just like a neural net, which is what your brain is.

This is where I got the idea for the hive mind from, because before the internet, we relied on words on paper, shipped physically here and there, then we relied on electronic transmissions via phone lines and tv lines, etc.

Now the internet has all those things, for more people than any of things were available to, before.

So humans are connected by this 'artificial' neural net.

Before all this, our only communication of thought was generally oral tradition and history, and this was available only to those in the community, only those connected to the net.

Of course, as such, it was different for every community, every tribe.

This began to change with our ability to transmit information around the globe, but it was still a tedious process. Snail mail, staticy phone connections, tv and radio not available to the masses, and of course the language barrier.

Yet now, with the internet, even the language barrier is disappearing, because if I want to read a website in French, I can get some idea of what it's saying by using a translation program, like Babelfish.

So we humans, across the globe, are increasingly connected, almost in realtime.

Now ancient wisdom says that we always have been and communicate with other people at the speed of thought, faster than light.

However, we must learn this to believe it, so we are using science and technology to build frameworks to advance this, because these are some of our Gods, and we do not yet believe that we can communicate by mind alone, but we will, and we have.

This is all just a preparation, another huge step for humankind.

By having a neural net that enhances the capacity, development, and communication abilities of our own minds, with those of everyone around us, no matter how far, we have taken the step towards world-as-village.

We are faced with enormous obstacles, as various cultures fight this in their various ways, not seeing forests for trees.

Information is power. Know the truth and it shall set you free, etc.

Primitive powers seek to disrupt this, because these are threatened by power to the masses. Why do multi-billion dollar businesses keep secret their practices? And governments? Why does China limit what it's people can see? Why do pharmaceutical companies limit information about their products? Why do governments spy? Quell free speech?

These are the old guard, threatened, and using their power as best they can to stop power from getting to more people.

***

(Previous thread, discarded for above thread, which seemed more far-reaching)-- think of it as 'deleted scenes'

I mean, when I'm writing about something, and I can't think of the word or the name of the person, or the name of the place, I use the internet to find it, instead of simply trying to remember.

In trying to write quickly, without breaking the thread to sit there and remember something, I had originally been typing stuff like this, as an example:

"... you know, that guy who is middle-eastern looking, he's a comedian, he says he's from Kazhakstan or however you spell it, his real name starts with 'Sasha'..."

When I realized all I had to do was go to google, put "sasha kazh" (nothing) then try "sasha actor" and get a wiki for "Sacha Baron Cohen," and in the wiki I find "Borat," the name I was looking for, and even the proper spelling of his supposed origin, "Kazakhstan".

One might say, but doesn't all that googling make you lose the train of the thought, the very thing you were seeking to avoid?

But it doesn't, perhaps because it's using different parts of the brain.

Or maybe... my mind is now so touchy-feely with the internet, that it's like a natural extension of my brain, and operates much more efficiently.

See where this is going?

I'm plugged into the net, already. It's an extension of my brain. I use it to finish my thoughts, with more efficient results than sitting still and using my own brain.

The act of memory, of recalling something temporarily forgotten, seems always to me to be an exercise of waving neural endings around, and hoping they attach on something that you can follow to discover the memory you're seeking.

It also may involve saying things aloud, and visualizing the word.

For instance, the word intertia used to be hard to bring up. But now I've used it enough I have plenty of neural attachments that lead down enough paths for that word that generally I can bring it easily, and usually it is accompanied by a small movie of a car running into a wall during a crash-test, and sometimes some bleary text from 7th-grade physics.

But it wasn't always like that, I might know that the word 'inertia' has a strong "R" sound. I might even think it begins with the letter 'R'. So I might recall the word 'revolution' and that word doesn't feel right, or I might ask people around me, what is that thing, the tendency for a body in motion to remain in motion? But then I start thinking of word play, and want to make a joke, something about "I second that emotion," and suddenly I and the person or person(s) I was talking to are off on a tangent, as well.

When my Dad would preach, he would forget the perfect word, and ask the audience for clues, so people would throw out words and he'd go, "no, no..." sort of befuddled then usually my Mom would have the right word, and he'd say, "That's it!" and continue preaching.

Next I imagine a future robot-preacher, tied to the net, and this small thing is no longer a 'problem'-- though I offer this merely as a humorous alternative... no, not that word... perspective, that's the word-- since this robot idea is beginning to forget the whole interactive quotient of community (audio cassette tapes, anyone?) Though robots may at some time be sentient, therefore allowing communal relations, etc. etc. but I digress.

***

So

Vibin, a Shirley-like observations, wimmins and mens, etc.

Sun, 27 May 2007 02:24:38 GMT

052607

I am not figuring this out, this drinking thing, it is totally crazy.

It's like nothing else compares, so that's all I want to do.

Even though when I don't, I seem to be okay, I have a different feeling about life.

But I am remembering some things I forget.

Like how I feel paranoid when I'm not drinking. Or is it when I'm outa money? Or cigarettes?

I don't know, and when I feel like that maybe I don't notice it because I've always had such visits of emotion, anger, anxiety, paranoia, whatever the hell it is.

I'm remembering how today I was carrying in the bags, and I wasn't mad at the neighbors, I was thinkin if they was there I would feel friendly and say Hi.

And how I was drivin today and seen these biker dudes and I wasn't makin fun of them and this guy behind me was all pushy, had a Domino's sign on, well earlier I was tryin to maybe let him go by, but then he didn't seem in a hurry, so I didn't turn right-- plus, the biker dudes had pulled up in front of me from my left, they makin a right, and passin this pretty girl in a summer dress, so I wanted to drive by and look at her and look at their bikes, and hear the bikes.

Well this dude now, he's all pushin up on me, but the biker dudes was next to me and he pulls around me but there they is, the bikers, and he is right on the tail of that one young man, and it seemed dangerst so I was bein curful not goin below no speed limit like some folk I know who take they time slow as you please-- I just bein safe, and what if that old man in the car with the Domino's thing, if them young mens hadn't got in the left lane to turnt, he mightof was almost runt over them, then he up ahead now and I'm lookin I wanna see what he look like, because he have a Christian license plate, says "UN2 GOD" and I axin myself why is he so mean if he "Unto God," and all that and you know that old boy was mad-doggin me in the rear view then he raise up his hand and point his finger, like shame on me! I said, Lord, I ain't even gonna tich that 'cause that ain't right, man bein all hypocritical an whatnot.

When I got into Barnes and Noble I was surprised by how horny I was.

But whenever I would vibe someone, and it was all delicious and whatnot, then I would get into their life, then I would actually have us like, romantical and whatnot, and domestimacated, and I didn't like them at all.

And I was thinkin isn't there some girl around who is smart and have a nice ass but is a nerd and don't dress up too much, like me?

I seen all kind of pretty ladies there but man I don't really like their vibe. I wouldn't even wanna be friends. I seen they houses, and they mamas and they friends and family. I seen they college, and they looks out for the future, and they future is all 'bout bein pretty and sussersful. That is what I seen.

Couple times I seen shapely girls who was really pretty and not too skinny like some and they was passionate and didn't put on no makeup and all-- they had a earth vibe, and you could tell they was well-read and informed, kinda like a new-age type hippy-type person, but they all lesbos! Ever' last one girl who I like as that, she turn out to be a lesbern.

Then I see this real nerdy woman who was not too pretty but she have a nice shape and clean skin, and a nice booty and nice hips, I can tell, with that dress on.

I was thinkin maybe that's the one, but she have a funny vibe, too. Her vibe is like people from the 40's. She have a vibe like my grandma or maybe some people I used to know in church, and she be thinkin 'bout the house and the babies, but it's all like we was in 1940, or somethin, she don't care too much about sex, neitha.

In fact, I have to say, whenever I do find someone who thinkin about sex, they be more on the ho-y side, I don't mean they look like a ho, I mean they be havin sex a lot, like my friend. That boy is always havin sexshul relations.

Well, I don't just want no roll in the hay, though I used to, but after I done it I see it ain't so fun as you'd think, it would be more fun just thinkin bout your favorite pretty, which in fact I can say it is.

No, I am thinkin what I want in a lady friendship relational type development thing and I would like to have a G/F which as some folks calls it also known as a girlfriend.

But I seem to be 'bout as picky as them young pretty womens I was just dissin a few paragraphs ago.

I don't mean about looks, I see pretty where pretty is, but I do want a woman to like theyself because I ain't bein no babysitter or self-esteem enhancer. I already done that, and I cain't fix you. You got to do that to yourself.

I like a girl bein' down-home-ish, you know? I don't mean skanky or whatnot, but I mean a lady what likes to play video games and is real smart, real clever-like, and maybe take it up the ass every now and then.

I like a lady who would be happy to go for a drive, or goin to a bookstore. And a girl what will share stuff with me.

I am SO not into sexual unfairness, that word, I forget.

I ain't buyin you stuff so I could have your body, it ain't like that.

Shit, if it's like that, then you could buy me stuff so you could have my body.

Does that make any sense?

Or like this: say I meet some rich gay dude and I'm not all that thrilled about him but he lavishes me with stuff-- audio gear, a car, dinners, clubs, really show me the town, because he think I am all that.

He be buyin ever'thin, all I have to do is put out.

Now, that's tempting, ain't it? But think about it, I don't even really like him, and I'm trading sex for stuff he buys me.

Hmmm...

That actually don't seem too bad.

See, I didn't give the example of a woman because it's less likely, though I would prefer that-- however I would be in constant fear that she was gonna get bored with me. I would be dependent on her, and start doing anything, for her.

She might be getting bored and wants me to be in a threesome, or maybe she wanna whip me or something, maybe she want me to watch while she have sex with other mens, or whatever.

I don't have any judgement on these things on their own, but I would tend not to seek them out, myself.

But in that situation, the hypothetical me dependant on her might do them, might do other things for her, might do criminal things. I can imagine a situation where a hot, rich woman could have tremendous power over me. In another life. It wouldn't happen in this life, because how my life is gone I would have grokk'd the situation well before hand and judged it not worthy, but I can totally feel how this could be.

I vibe a lot of women that are dependant on their men, this way. To the exclusion of all else. I'll see a couple, and I can see this thing, this power he has, and that's what they've both agreed on. She's agreed to be this helpless little animal in return for him using her, if you will.

There's a girl at work, for example. I remember when I first saw her, I was surprised at how closed her vibe was. She's technically very pretty, but there was something odd. Her vibe was like a flat thing, that if you viewed it straight-on, you couldn't see it, like she wasn't there, couldn't feel her, but from an angle, you could see it, sort of like a flat plane-- if you view it straight on, it almost disappears.

I heard her talking to someone about her boyfriend. I got this funny feeling about them, and I started seeing how she was with him-- why she presented hardly any vibe, especially not a sexual vibe, because it was all going into him, like it was all draining into him.

I somehow knew they broke up a little after that, he was a jerk, or whatever.

But she still seems the same, she still has this really closed, blank vibe.

The problem for me was that I found her attractive and wanted to interact with her, but couldn't.

Usually I just vibe people and you can feel things opening up, but with her, even though I would send out very faint signals, she never picked them up, not even to be admired.

See what I'm saying? Even if someone isn't interested in me physically, which would be most people at work, understandably-- this isn't a club, after all and I'm not Mr. GQ-- many people like you to vibe into them, because they like you to be curious about them. And you can feel their vibe acknowledge, it's exactly like a handshake, but more sublime (sometimes it's like a hug, but those encounters may be an entirely other blog).

So with this chick that wouldn't happen. So I did what I always would do in this case, I backed off, and closed almost completely.

Strangely, after this, she began looking at me, making eye contact, and talking to me.

Maybe she wasn't threatened, maybe she prefers her men to be standoffish.

Well, my temp position at the job was over, so when I came back 6 months later, she wasn't on our team any more and I only saw here here and there.

I always thought she was strange, like... a good body wasted on someone who is so unclear, or something.

She used to walk around with this thing on her upper arm, which showed calories she was burning.

She was obsessed with her looks and her body, but I'm not sure why. Not sure what she was going for.

So I'm in Stater Bros one morning getting groceries, and I see her next to me in the checkout, out of the corner of my eye-- I'm like, I'm pretty sure that's her, but of course I have to check, and when I look over, she says Hi, and I say "Hi, (her name)" and continue on.

But in that space, I saw her eyes and you know what she had?

She had Christian eyes. Those scared, female eyes.

Sometimes I see people as they will be, aged, and I saw her perfectly at that moment, it was like, BAM! I saw her 15, 20 years from now.

***

I have no idea what I was writing... I had taken a long break (1 hr? More?) to look at porn, and now that I'm back I don't want to continue this thread.

Oh well.

Alters?

Tue, 22 May 2007 01:50:00 GMT

Yesterday I read Peter Watts' Blindsight. I read it for free, as many science fiction authors are posting their works that have been nominated for the 2006 or 2007 Hugo award.

The main character reminded me a lot of myself because after having part of his brain removed to stop seizures, his personality was different, and he had to interact through a sort of scripting process.

Watching people closely, reading them, and then moving and reacting appropriately.

His behaviour would change in various contexts, and he was considered a 'synthesist'-- he could read people, assimilate them to some degree.

But there wasn't a whole lot of actual 'him' there.

Sometimes I don't know who I am, because that person can very so greatly.

There was also a person in the book who had 4 or 5 personalities, intentionally, not because of trauma, but because in the future we had learned how flexible the human brain was, so it was more efficient to have a 'gang' of people on board.

When I read something or watch something I assimilate the behaviours. I think like they do, for a period.

I remember first noticing this in the early 90's. Before that, I would often mimic, like some parrot or cheap standup, lines from things, practicing the inflections just right.

But when I started watching movies, I then really started to take on personas.

When I lived with Sean and Glenda I was for some reason particularly impressed with a movie about some (now I see as Bratty and self-indulgent) rich college kids, called I believe, "The Metro."

There's a dark-haired guy in there who acted and sounded very uppity. I took this on, and I remember having an argument with a roommate, and I was very haughty (this was nothing new, I'd done that since about 12), but I said a line that he'd said, "It's just the way things are." I believe I was saying I was superior to her, my typical line when I started arguing with people, it was fun and mischevious to play with words and attack people verbally.

A couple days later I was thinking what an ass I sounded like.

Another thing that had happened since forever, "arrogant person's remorse."

I used to do this at Starbucks, not argumentatively but at some point I'd watched too much Monty Python and was talking like that, and it was not appropriate. I wasn't quoting it, I had assimilated the characters and their speech, and I would switch in and out of this.

One time Nebraska and me were meeting Ryan and Kristen and we were in a terrible fight, I was driving. She knew how to push my buttons, and she was pushing, and I flew into some redneck rage and this mean hillbilly drawl was coming out, and I was threatening her.

"Oh, who are you supposed to be NOW, John?"

She wasn't scared, which was good, because if she was I would have kept going, pushing that rage button.

I relaxed, because that person scared me, those are the kind of people who get people killed with their stupid rage.

But sometimes it's fun to feel the power of that other thing, to be totally taken by it, and to be playing people.

But that guy was violent, one time I pushed Elaine, and I'd forgotten, but the next day she reminded me. I thought it was strange I could do things and forget, but I remembered, when she brought it up.

There was also the timid, weak one. Afraid of everything, beset by panic attacks and hysterical blindness.

Haven't seen him/her in a while.

This assimilation has bad and good qualities.

The good, I suppose, is that I can get inside people. Now that I know that's what I'm doing, I explore everyone around me. Most people are boring animals, running on routines. Even if I become entranced, I no longer am afraid of love.

I'll fall in love for a day, explore that person, and by the next day, it's gone. Vanished.

Before I knew that I was psychic, I thought the things I felt were ME.

Which begs the question, what IS me?

Which is why I felt such a recognition with the Peter Watts character Siri in the book Blindsight, because outside of other's feelings, he didn't have any of his own.

When I was younger, I was profoundly empathic. I always felt what people and beings felt, and I had a tremendous sense of loss, fear, depression, panic, sadness, that it was immobilizing, sickening.

One time our schoolbus ran over a dog, I was bothered I had to talk to my Mom about it. I couldn't stop feeling the sadness of the loss of life, of the mutilation, the sheer violence, even though it was unintended.

When I was 6 or 5, a cat in our yard gutted a rat, and I remember being totally fascinated with the insides. There was no strange feelings, then. I was mesmerized by the insides of a (formerly) living being.

We had these encyclopedias, and my favorite part was this one that showed the human anatomy. It was clear plastic pages, and there were layers, from the outer part, then you move that page and you have the various organs in front, then another page is organs in back, and between the skin and these is the nervous system, and finally, the skeleton.

I got a grim pleasure from this, and I felt bad, the way I felt later when I would look at pornography. I felt bad for having this secret fascination. It didn't seem right.

So at 5 or 6 I was already trying to curb my appetites, trying to control myself, even though my parents had never said, "You shouldn't look at pictures of the organs of human beings, that's dirty.

In 3rd grade, I had strange fantasies, violent.

A girl that I found attractive, her name was Gina, she was mexican and had pretty brown skin and dark black hair. She was very popular, and she was quite above the rest of us-- she was very smart.

But when I fantasized about her, I imagined an earthquake happening and we all get tore up and I see her with blood streaming down her face, from a head wound, and for some reason this was a fantasy of mine.

In that grade, in 3rd grade, my fear of school and things social was at such a high that I was frequently sick with severe stomach pains, probably just nerves. But to give you an idea of how helpless I felt, one day for some reason I was in the class late, after school had let out, and I saw my bus coming, and was afraid I would miss it.

For me, there was no sense of depending on adults, for help. There was no sense that I could phone home and have a parent pick me up. When I was at school, my parents were completely gone. There was no connection. I was alone, and adults were bizarre creatures who didn't seem to mind intimidating me. So missing my bus, I couldn't imagine what terror would follow such a thing, but it would probably be very, very embarassing.

Growing up, I had a profound fear of humiliation. Which is strange, because I got humiliated a lot.

Anyways, when I would get nervous like this, I could feel my anus clenching, and it was happening that day that I almost missed my bus.

The thing about this is, I later read some war book where in the military, they have a term for this, something like "Sphincter Factor"... which is an acknowledgement that historically, when humans get scared, their sphincters clench. So in the military, if you're about to face some unknown, some particularly nasty enemy, you might gauge it by saying, "We got a full-blown sphincter factor up ahead, tighten up!"

I forget what the actual phrase was.

I wonder if the body does this predictively, as when you die, one of the first muscles to relax is in fact the sphincter muscle, and generally people shit themselves, when dying. This is not generally acknowledged as it is presumably gross, but it's also natural and I think it would help us to know these sorts of things because if you're ever held up at a bank or your job or your home or whatever and someone dies and they're shitting all over, you can expect this, instead of being traumatized at the fact that this particular person shit themselves, and how embarassing that is, when really-- shitting yourself is pretty much what you do, when you die.

So I was so freaking scared that my anus was clinching itself. And this happened more often than it should, and I also had other signs of battle, on any given day, the heightened adrenalin, the shakiness, the tunnel vision. This continued into my 20's, whether I was preparing to talk to a girl, or I was running a shift at some retail job and my district manager just walked in the door.

Anyways, back to some of my early fantasies, and continuing the ideas I'm exploring:

In church, around this time, I would imagine a car wreck, and these girls that I liked, they were lying about the wreckage, immobile, and the wreck had torn their clothes, showing their breasts and genitalia.

Sometimes I saved them, and was a hero.

I also remember a little after that, near when I first learned about sex (which was it's own sort of trauma, and continued to be, for some time) for a short period I had this strange fantasy of being a solider, of all things, I remember the greens and browns of my fantasy, and the blackened battlefield under storm clouds. This girl that I liked, Valerie, I was wounded, almost mortally wounded, and she cared so much she came and comforted me, and had sex with me, on the battlefield.

Yet at the same time I was still also (and would be for a long time) hyper sensitive to real violence, such that I would pass out or have a panic attack in the presence or possibility of it.

So when boys came up to fight me or make fun of me, my sense was that they didn't really want to hurt me, and if we just talked about the misunderstanding, we would come to an agreement, shake hands, say sorry, and be friends.

For a very long time I didn't know that sometimes people do things just so they can instigate violence.

It was like I was this weird, slimy pod thing, shackled by the inability to move or see, but I could feel everything, like a prisoner in the dark.

Ugh. I'm tired of writing about this. There's always too much to look at, I don't mean me, per se, I just mean, there's no way short of writing pages and pages to talk about all this crap, and I think, "Why?"

I'm happier just plugging into people when I want to. I can see you, and if you want to, you can probably see me, and know all this in a flash. Psychic transference is MUCH more efficient than words. I prefer it. I just don't exactly like to feel alone, doing it.

Which is why I identified with the vampire in that same story. Good book. You should read it.

Jessica's Last Day

Fri, 18 May 2007 03:25:55 GMT

Last year, before I was gone for 6 months, I remember I was quite taken with Jessica. Our flirting was so strong that I half thought/hoped we'd be lovers. I didn't know she was married, then she mentioned a husband to someone else, and I felt like she'd kept it a little quiet so that she could flirt.

I'd had a lot of visions of her, and I felt that sometimes it was obvious to others, our playtastic styles.

So when I came back, I was happy to sit near her, and know that she was on our team, but I didn't feel the same playfulness. I didn't even feel like the same goofy person.

Both she and I seemed to have changed, she, settling into her marriage, becoming more calm and accepting, and me, settling into my life, and being more... calm and accepting.

I actually projected a little distance, so at odds did I feel with my former self. I felt I should get to know her again, on my new terms.

As I felt with everyone, because when I thought back and remembered those strange high times, I was entranced with multiple women at my work.

I remember thinking about sex a lot, and fantasizing a lot about women at work, even writing them in my journal, drunk, writing all the ways they may have noticed me.

Some of the women at work I wanted to date, and then after some vibes, I didn't but I felt it so strongly in the first place.

I would think back, what made me this way, aside from whatever difference has occured in me?

I know for one thing I was smoking pot, did it change me that much? Make me that aligned with the physical?

***

Ooops, I got caught doing something else, forgot what I was writing about.

Myspace was calling, had to send happy b-day to a old lover, and decided to start playing Def Jam: Icon, what a tite-ass game for a white boy like me!

Audrey and Me Push a Truck (rude woman intervenes)

Wed, 16 May 2007 02:11:20 GMT

I am posting here like I would to my laptop, so the entries will not be edited. I am doing it because I have to write, it's cathartic, but I can no longer post to myspace because my writing has become self-indulgent crap.

Here, no one knows me, so that's okay.

***

I am so different, because I'm not afraid of things.

Well, I'm not afraid of my environment or people, as I had been almost as far back as I can remember.

I'm different towards women. I'm not wimpy, I'm not adoring.

Perhaps I'm not even loving.

I feel that thing come up, I feel the respect, but I don't worship. I think maybe it used to be, "please like me, I like you, I love you."

Women are people too, and they have faults, like all women do.

It took me so long to realize this.

I have worshipped and adored women from a very early age. My earliest recollection, I was 5, and went to a wedding. Two of the bridesmaids were these 19-year-old (I estimate) twins, with big brown eyes and pageboy haircuts.

They were the most beautiful things I'd ever seen, and I told my mom afterwards that I wanted to marry them.

After that, I used to say, "I can't wait to grow up, so I can get married."

I think I just wanted to lose myself in something beautiful.

Maybe now I realize that is a spiritual experience.

***

I read recently that of people who graduated Stanford (or was it Yale? Some well-known school), 20% were making more than median incomes. But only 5% had actually accomplished what they considered a good standard of living, based on a questionnaire including things such as relationships.

Apparently, the 5% were the ones who had written down their goals.

The author's point was that if you didn't write down goals, including such things as having a great relationship, statistically, according to this example, you were likely not to experience those things. The point of using people from an expensive college is that even of those who'd had a 'good education', only 5% seemed to be 'happy', or satisfied with their life and work.

The author gave her own example of writing down a goal: "I want to be involved in an extraordinary relationship with a man".

She later realized that she was indeed, involved in an extraordinary relationship with a man.

She had a close, nearly intimate relationship with a man who was very bizarre, and she had to cut it off.

This was how she realized she should be more specific in writing down her goals.

***

I would sometimes have the thought, "I wish I could not be addicted to alcohol, no matter what."

That's not very specific.

For instance, I could have kidney failure or a heart attack or something, and suddenly I'm not drinking. Or I could get hit by a car, or I could get arrested for drunk driving and sent to jail, and look! No alcohol.

***

I was thinking about relationships too, and how I've changed. I don't feel so desperate about a woman because I have had my eyes wide open.

For instance, I really like this girl at work, Audrey. I wish I could marry her, but she's already engaged to someone, and they're getting married in late summer or fall.

Now, here's why I like her, in no particular order:

She has an incredible ass (hardly anything for breasts, but I prefer ass anyway-- I don't mind that she has small breasts, and I would never mind).

She's vegan. She lives healthy, she doesn't have any biological problems from bad eating.

She has a well-developed world-view.

She would be a great mother.

She has great parents.

She's from Oregon, and wants to move to Portland.* (her fiancee doesn't want to)

*This is a funny thing. Sometimes I would vibe her, late at night, I'd be laying in bed and have these visions of her (I'm not talking about masturbating, but about a psychic sense), and I would imagine she and her b/f breaking up, and she gets with me, and she wants to move to Oregon, and so do I, but her parents live in south Oregon, which I don't really like, I would want to live in Portland. So I would imagine she and I living in Portland and raising our child(ren) there. This was months before I talked to her the other day, when she told me that she would like to live in Portland.

Sometimes I get annoyed with her. Sometimes her voice is annoying. Sometimes she's almost too... professional, for me. She understands how to deal with people in a way that I don't. She knows how to make plans for things, social things.

She is very light-skinned, she has blond hair, and blonde eyelashes and eyebrows. Her face has pockmarks, I guess from past acne. Sometimes her hair shines in a certain way, it has a certain color, it's very beautiful.

Sometimes I imagine laying in a bed with her, not sexually, but waking up in the middle of the night, and she's laying there, on her side. She has a neutral vibe in that sense. Her psychii is very clean, so she would not bother me. I wouldn't normally sleep with someone, I don't like their vibes getting in mine, or falling into their dreams.

***

ha ha!

Didn't I just say I wasn't worshipful, any more? You wouldn't know it, from reading the above, I guess.

***

But let me tell you something that happened today.

I was at the intersection this morning to turn left into work, the light was red, and I had pulled up behind Audrey.

I didn't look in her mirror, or acknowledge that I saw her. I felt rather cranky, and in the past, I would have made myself acknowledge her, even though I shouldn't. I figured she could look in the rearview and know I was there, she could watch me if she wanted. She wouldn't care about this level of interaction, and it certainly didn't matter to me.

As we're stopped, a truck in the opposite direction, an older Ford F-series, stalls when attempting to turn right towards our job site, and this small woman jumps out and begins trying to push this huge truck (I think it was an early 90's era model) away from the intersection, onto the street that leads to our work.

I think, "Oh shit, Audrey's in front of me, our light just turned green, and I'm going to have to get out and help this woman push the truck."

It wasn't about the physical activity, it was this old part of me that felt embarassed at being seen in public.

I turn in, and I know that Audrey is going to pull over to help this woman, and sure enough, she does, so I pull up behind her and we get out and we're both laughing, like how freaking ridiculous is this. Audrey is wearing some flowing black and tan stuff and some pumps (what did she call them? "Oh, I had to choose today to wear... "

I can't remember it, I just google'd "women's shoe types" and looked at pumps and flats, and I think she said "flats"-- "I had to choose today to wear flats," but maybe she meant that it was good she chose flats, as the heel was low. But she never wears high heels anyway, she's about 5'8" (maybe? I just realized I have no idea how tall she is, though it seems she's a little taller than average).

Anyways, we run over, and I tell the lady, this poor woman, about 5'4", trying to push the truck through the open door, and this massive truck keeps falling back toward the intersection, and I tell her, "get in, we'll push."

So me and Audrey start pushing and I'm surprised at how freaking heavy this thing is, that as we both start pushing, it starts to come back, again.

I dig in, and now I've got the right angle, and the truck starts to move forward, but I can feel sharp pains in my upper back, where there was some injury from my own stupidity, years ago.

Strangely, and this is part of the new me, I'm not at all self-conscious, I'm not at all worried about what Audrey thinks.

I guess what I'm thinking is a combination of things.

On one level, there's physics, so I'm working my body to move the truck, and on a higher, social level, I'm thinking

what a cool chick Audrey is

I remember when I pulled up behind her, I knew it was her, because her license plate frames still have the dealer in Oregon that she got her car from.

And when she pulled over, and was actually willing to get out and help this chick move the truck, in all her pretty work gear, I freaking admire that, see, there's a reason I like her so much, she's good people.

So then this dude pulls up in a Saturn and leaps out and we're pushing and pushing.

Now, for whatever reason, the girl in the truck didn't choose to stop at the first space of sidewalk just before the entry to our parking lot. And this is up a slight grade, mind you.

No, she keeps going, and it appears she wants to actually go into our parking lot, which would require that the three of us, tax'd already, push this thing up a rather significant slope.

So she turns to enter the parking lot, and meanwhile cars are buzzing around us-- our co-workers! Flying right by.

We attempt to push it up, and all of us are joking, like, what is this chick thinking?

But we try anyway, and the freaking truck just stops. There is no way we are getting that truck up into the parking lot.

So the guy, he runs around to the front, and we join him, and we push it backwards a bit.

Now we tell the lady, park up there near the sidewalk, aim for that space!

Cars parallel park along the sidewalk near our work, and people get out and go in.

We can see a space ahead.

A black car goes around us, and takes a spot.

We have one spot left, it's fairly large, almost two car-lengths.

I say, "I hope no one grabs that spot."

Audrey says, "She just did," meaning the black car.

I'm looking at our space thinking we've got enough room.

But Audrey, being a girl, wants more space. Or maybe she's offended that this person just drove right around some people pushing a broken-down truck, trying to find a place to stick it.

She says, "I'm going to ask her to move her car,"

"Excuse me, m'am," she says. "Could you move your car? We need to put this truck there."

I'm not too privy to what's happening, I'm pushing the truck, I've got a hangover, and I'm totally high from the physical exertion.

But I can see the woman moving away from her car and she mouths something at Audrey, while moving towards our building where we all work.

I hear Audrey say, "I work with you, can you move your car for us?"

And I see the woman say something to Audrey and bustle off towards the building.

I watch her as she goes, and she has that vibe of someone purposefully ignoring someone else.

I'm pushing, and I look at Audrey and we both smile. My mouth is open from breathing so hard, her mouth is open because she can't believe what she's seen.

I notice how nice her teeth are.

We're laughing at the outrageousness of it, but Audrey is more offended than me. I'm just glad to be near her.

We push the truck into place, but it's skewed, so I move around to the front and direct the girl so that we can parallel-park-it better.

She starts backing up, but the steering is really difficult, this huge machine, without any power to the steering.

She starts to move towards the car behind her a little too fast, a silver Honda Civic, and I see in my peripheral vision, on the other side of the truck, Audrey is making a "no!" motion, and I tell the girl, brakes! Put on the brakes!

And she does, and you can feel her foot pushing down as hard as she can, everything is manual now. No power steering, no power breaks.

She barely misses the Honda.

"Okay," we say. "I guess it's okay if it sticks out a little. Turn your steering wheel, we'll move it back."

So we do, and I shake the guy's hand, I have no idea who he is, and we start running back to our cars, but the lady says, "Hey, would any of you guys happen to have a smoke?"

(classic)

So I say, Yeah I have some in my car, I'll go get you one.

Oh, thanks, that'd really be great.

For her, after a really stressful time, she wants to enjoy a smoke.

So the guy in his Saturn leaves, and Audrey finds a better parking space, and I go back to my car then move forward, and roll down the passenger window. I give her one of my packs that still has about 3-4 cigs in it.

"Take this," I say. "You got a light?"

Meanwhile, all these cars are passing around me, trying to not be late to work.

I'm looking around in my car to see if even I have a light.

"Yeah, I got one," she says. She's thanked us all many times by now.

I have noticed repeatedly that she's quite attractive, but her vibe just will not match mine. She's a person who has had to get by, and by and by, and I grew up like that, and I know it, but I don't want to be involved with anyone like that. She has blonde hair and pretty brown eyes, but I don't flirt with her, there's just an acknowledgement that she's attractive.

She also knows that I'm not her type.

I park my car and go inside, and a little while later, Audrey comes up, with her beautiful long straight hair, and she says something about the woman who wouldn't move her car.

I ask her what happened, what did the woman say, and Audrey explains how when she asked the woman to move her car, the woman looked at her and said, in a high, impertinent voice, "NO!"

Audrey had said, Ma'm, if you could just move your car, we have to park this truck.

And the woman said, "I have to get to work!"

Whence Audrey said, "I work with you, I could be late, too."

To which the woman stormed off.

What's strange is that none of us had ever seen this woman. She described him to Lae, I'd never seen her before, we assumed that she was new.

Yet, if she was new, she wouldn't be going to work at 7:30, but rather 8am. Still, I don't know her car, a Ford Fusia, black, new.

I told Audrey, "I was thinking, maybe when she got out of her car, she just didn't know that we were pushing the truck, maybe she didn't see us."

To which Audrey replied, "She drove around us."

I liked talking to Audrey. I didn't really care about the woman.

But at lunch, 12 pm, I went out, purposefully, and had a smoke near that woman's car. I was starting to forget what she looked like, and I wanted to see her, again.

I imagined her walking out to her car and seeing this sinister person with a beard staring at her. I would've been subtle, but that's what I imagined.

She never came out, which is when I figured out that she's a 7:30-5:30, and probably takes her lunch at one.

Of course, maybe she never leaves for lunch, and was in the break-room.

I didn't want to pursue it any further. I have a general idea of what she looks like, and I'll keep an eye out.

We were both flabbergasted that someone could be so blatantly rude. I told Audrey, "I know there are people like that in this world. But I don't want to work with them."

It's very strange that someone who works for Child Support Services, an institution devoted to helping people, could be so calloused.

I had all these images of this person moving quickly up the ladder, getting promoted, and controlling people left and right, a sinister scenario, but one that happens all too often.

We shall see.

Difference Engine

Tue, 15 May 2007 01:02:01 GMT

051407

There's no way to write stuff on myspace, anymore, too many viewers, people I know. Here, I can always (as far as I can tell) be anonymous, but people can still read it-- though I must warn that much may be drivel-- I have to write, but since this is private, I will not be trying to make for the best reading.

I want to document some changes that have occured in me.

There was some strange and massive change after 2000, in my thirties, when I left a not-good relationship and left a job that was hurting me.

That change took place over a few years, and it was painful, the last two years being suicidal, off and on.

Within that major change, there were numerous smaller changes.

I later came to think that particular change stretched out over 4-5 years may have been a sort of kundalini awakening, as in retrospect, it had many of the signs. I thought of this, because someone mentioned that if such a thing were to happen to a person who did not know it was happening, the chaos that ensued could feel detrimental at the time, even though ultimately healing was occuring.

I wish I could beam this in multiple perspectives simultaneously, because that is how the information wants to express itself.

For instance, I want to talk about why changes like the one mentioned were initiated, as healing from a life-long sense of frailty, confusion, etc. So I want to go back in time, not just back in time in this particular sequence, but also in all the sequences before it.

I also find that I want to talk about now, because now is what the strange thing is that is happening, that is so different from the other stuff, that I seem to be a completely different person. And that person seems to be by far the better one, even with it's faults. That person does not seem to be surrounded by a profound fog, a fog I can remember back to my earliest memory.

So then I begin begging questions? Why did I have all that fog, most of my life?

Or is it that it appears foggy only because I'm so different?

But no, what I refer to as "fog" was a pressing sense of inescapable futility.

I also want to talk about the philosophies I began to create, in order to understand who I was and why I was.

For instance, around 17, I searched psychology to show me that I was the way I was because I just was that way, that's how I was made, and other people were not made this way, and that's just the way it was.

I also want to go back before, and after that, before, to when I didn't have philosophies, but was scared and wanted attention, wanted to be liked, wanted to be strong.

I would also like to explore why certain weird things happened when I lived at the church, and slept in that room, and kept having visions of demons and things, and how the prayers I learned from church didn't seem to do anything.

And that summer camp, still trying, trying to feel this spiritual thing that it seemed people had, but it never struck me; only in desperation did I try to achieve it, and failed-- and how much, much later I began to experience this thing, in a totally different context, a context outside of what I'd been shown, all my life.

About the carefulness of things, living in fear.

About how I still have a weird rage, that showed up today, and how I try to wonder where it's from.

About aliens, and paranormal things, and spiritual things, about women, and life, and social things.

About how I keep looking at myself and shrugging and saying, "I just don't care."-- but not in a hopeless way; it's that I cared for so long, and tried for so long, and I had my experiences, I had my loves, and now I don't want the same things I used to want, because I am totally different.

About how I went back into my past and chose some things very differently, based on how I am now; in particular, women I'd been involved with, I was very different this time-- but, the trick of that is, that makes me come out way different than I am, now, and I like this one better. This version at least can go back or forward in time, have access to all kinds of things, but that one wouldn't be able to.

I want to talk about these strange dreams, and these strange trances, lately-- a lot of psychic flashes, a lot of grids of knowledge type-stuff. I keep waking from half-sleep and recall that I've been traversing this multi-dimensional information grid, and I seem to use it for anything that comes to mind. It might be that some person, even a famous person, comes to mind, and I start moving along this grid, to see all the connections that made them the way they are.

And I'll be almost to sleep and some noise will wake me with a start and I will be on the verge of forgetting, then I see the grid that I was moving along.

Sometimes I do forget, sometimes my brain blinks from one thing to another and the other thing is totally gone, it is a multi-dimensional set of perspectives that I was linked into, and sometimes it just disappears, replaced by either some stupid waking thought or another set of perspectives.

All these things I want to talk about, but I am already bored of this. I will come back again.

This is a test

Fri, 06 Apr 2007 04:40:20 GMT

I created (wow, italics work in Linux, awesome) this account so that I could write anything I wanted to.

A simple test will show whether or not I can. I'm not going to write stupidly, but I want to write honestly. I can't do this on myspace, anymore, hence my account here.

cunt
cum
labia
dripping
wet
penis
ejaculating
masturbating
cumming
moaning
licking
suck
cock
ass
semen
juice
asshole
anus
clitoris
balls
penis
cock
cunt
pussy

I seem to have run out of words. I tried to put all the words I might use to describe erotic stuff.

If I get an error or a warning, I know that I can't post here.