061907

Last night was one of those times when I heard something and I was moved into another space, and my feelings were sort of like this mellow euphoria... this happens from time to time, it is often triggered by smells.  As I'm older, this feeling will hold longer, even than when I was younger.  There was a period of life where it hardly happened at all or so quickly I couldn't grab it.

When I was 17 I played this song on a dark grey day in our house on the hill.  The windows were open and a breeze was shifting the wispy drapes.  There was fog, it was late afternoon, and the song was pulling at my chest, as I thought of Barbara.  The feeling was of love, yet also a profound sense of loss.  The experience had a delicious pain.  After it happened I would play the song again in my mind to feel that pulling in my chest, to see again the drapes blowing gently, the dark grey fog beyond the windows, and permeating it was Barbara, who I didn't even know.  It was like I wasn't particularly in this life, anymore, I was in England, another time, another universe, some landscape of my heart.

So I found that song again last night, for the first time in years, I played it and it happened again, this strangeness, and it stayed with me, this landscape of feeling.

There were triggers of things remembered in there, from incredible perspectives that I have forgotten, amazing turns and curves, feelings and places, people, things, smells, dreams.  I was in some land of beautiful dreams again, and it was in a strange way like being on ecstasy, because there was no judgement, only beauty.

I guess this feeling is like being in heaven, because no one dies-- there's just strange beauty, surrounding you, everything is incredible, not in a euphoric sort of way, but almost in a sad way.  That sense of loss again, because this universe is a dreamland to most of us, because we don't believe it.