061607

I spoke with Emily today, at the bank, I think that's her name, the soft white girl.  She is the one there who began engaging me in conversation, now the others do.  She had mentioned seeing me walking, around here, she lives near here.  I assume she has a boyfriend or is maybe even married, I thought I saw a ring, though maybe not a wedding ring.  One time they got me talking about something and I was explaining differences between women's and men's brains and why women seemed better at multi-tasking.

Anyways, I was glad to see her and we asked each other twice, how are you doing.  So it was kinda obvious we were trying to talk.

I think my second response was, "I just got off work, but it was overtime," and she asked where I worked, which I was glad to tell her.

I had been going in there for a while when I was unemployed, using my Mom's account, and cashing my unemployment checks.  While it wasn't the mortal embarassment it would have been even a couple years ago, I was still self-conscious and wanted opportunities for these women to see me in a fuller way-- that I did in fact now have a job, and also, finally, my own bank account, and maybe they even noticed I was dressing better.

Now the other two, they're gorgeous, have boyfriends and are far too young for me, and I've already vibed them and while a few times I felt infatuation, whenever I zoomed it out to a bigger picture there was just nothing there, and by the next day all those happy thoughts were mellowed with whatever wisdom seems to now befall such visions.

But Emily is more mature, has a very good head on her shoulders, is very calm.  I remember she vibed me when we were talking about how people treat each other.  I had complemented her change in hair style, and she told me the story of how one day she tried something different, which she thought looked fun and zany and a customer came up to her and said, "What went wrong with your hair?"

So we know how the other is, to some degree-- through conversation and vibes.

She asked me about jobs where I work, and I gave her the lowdown, how great the environment is, the purpose, the pay.

She didn't seem too impressed with the pay, although I couldn't really give her a good idea on management, her interest, as she'll have a ba in that by December.  I told her to look it up on the internet.

I want to talk about vibes that happen when I discuss things I care about or am delighted by, but I don't want this to become overly self-indulgent.  However, it seems that in order to cover this, I shall have to be self-indulgent, and I apologize in advance.  I am not attempting to brag, I think I am curious about how different I am from how I used to be, and it is in the interest of this comparison that I divulge the following observations.

This may have really started with Alison, when we would meet for coffee.  I would start talking about things that were amazing to me, and I would be smiling, and I could feel this glow coming off me, and I could feel her watching me intensely.  It was as if she were enjoying that glow, entering into it, and she liked it whenever I gave off that glow, because it was a healing thing she could bask in.  Now, I wasn't conscious of this at the time, except that I may have been aware of not holding back, not being aware of my crooked teeth, weird stuff like that.  It was only later in memory, the playback, I would see her sitting in that glow.

This has happened at work, where it didn't have a chance really to happen at my other jobs, for numerous reasons which I won't go into here, both with environment, myself, and the people I was engaged with.

But at this job, I remember it happening with Audrey, who I adore, who is getting married I believe Aug 2.  When I came back, there was a disconnect, nothing hostile, but she was moving into the marriage and I... I was overcoming depression and often hungover.  I shied from people, with my bleary eyes.

But lately, as I've drank less and been eliminating toxins, I can feel my vibe coming back, that thing that attracts people to you, where you turn and find them looking.

Again, I'm only saying this to acknowledge something happening that is new, coming from a history of such low self-esteem.

I remember yesterday, I was rather paranoid.  I was feeling quite free and playful, though still on a down note, as I am still recovering from the abuse I've put myself through.  I tend to feel a bit woozy, throughout the day.  Sometimes my stomach hurts, I have to shit a lot, sometimes things look a little hazy, sometimes my body moves laconically.

But yesterday, I was more uppity, very fired up with getting all my work done that Friday, and really high on the music in my head.

Leah, my boss' boss may not have had much to do that day, she kept walking around, and it was making me nervous.  I was over by the copier a long time and I was kinda moving to the tunes in my head, discreetly.

The music was so strong, I was just kinda moving to it, but I know it looked like just business, like I'd had too much coffee.

What's weird is no one does that, except Ray, who belts out in song.  Sometimes Ray will come to our floor, I'll hear the far door open and close and he'll be singing, getting closer.  Then he'll pass by us and I'll give him a nod or a smile, like keep it up, brother, and then he'll pass on through another door, he just felt like coming through singing.

While I was there at the copier I kept imagining, in my paranoia, Leah later making some observation about how wacky and 'out there' I was, and in my defense I say, "I'm like Ray.  That's all."

Sometimes she smiles at me and I feel a lot of things off her, I pull a lot off her.

She's very attractive, and I remember when I was there before we were in a meeting and she sat across from me and that eye thing happened.  It's sorta flirtation, but it's deeper.  It's this immediate and deep appreciation for the person who's eyes your looking into, and the eyes always take on a deeper tone, and you see very clearly, past this life, you see back, to the soul, sitting there, looking out at you, timeless.

After that happened it was like we had this understanding, but then I left.

And when I came back, I was always hungover.

When she would smile at me, I would crinkle my face and turn my head in a manufactured smile, designed to put someone at ease, but conveying nothing.  I don't show my eyes when I'm like that, there's nothing there to see.

I was subtly flippant, impersonal.  Not inappropriate, but empty.

I could tell Audrey was not drawn, something in her was warning her back-- her background would dictate this.

These are all very subtle things, nothing that could ever be documented.  The only thing you could document was that I seemed to be a good worker, who had friendly interaction with the people around me.

Sometimes my stomach would start hurting, and I'd have all this gas, and my body would hardly move, and I felt so bloated, I would get up to do something, grabbing some files or whatever, it's amazing I could do my work, and I felt my face looked like stone hiding pain and discomfort, moved about my task, shut in-- if someone approached and smiled, I gave them that smile that didn't show my eyes.  A parody, they'd probably not know on any level consciously.

So recently I'm imagining a wife, and I can see her in certain ways, but in others I can't, because I know I'm not ready for that thing, that thing which will happen.  I might be in my car, after work, going to the store, and I'll be thinking about a woman.  But then I'll say, Seriously, dude-- do you really feel like going home to a woman, right now?  To anyone?

No, right now I don't.

But I think about it a lot, and it's manifesting.

So when I was in the bank and I saw Emily of course I put her in this role, to see what would happen.

It was not bad, at all.  Except that she has a boyfriend.  Which is fine, for now, as I don't need a girlfriend.  Maybe she'll leave him, maybe I'll be there.  She would be a good mom.  I don't know if she's the one.  But when I vibe her deeper it seems she can handle certain things, even though a lot of what I would show her might be new-- but she's an older soul.

As for Audrey, she is definately more in touch with me, or I am with her, when I'm not hungover.  The clearer I get, the clearer I can see her.  She likes me.  It's like she thought I'd disappeared and was delighted, today for example, and the other day, little tiny vibes I won't go into, where I felt her connecting with me again, or maybe I was connecting with her again, getting something back.  Obviously she's getting married, they will probably move away, but she's a good connection, and I like her.

I don't know if I've written what happened with Barbi.

How the first time I saw her, the vibe off her was really strong, and I was pulled, and I started stealing glances at her.  I thought at first it was some infatuation, but it didn't seem to be entirely physical, just a little.  Her hair, the way she dressed, the way she moved, the way she talked to people.

At some point she asked me something and we engaged in this conversation and instantly our voices were very melodic and intimate, our bodies were intwined in this warm aura, there was an immediacy, a familiarity there, an instant appreciation.

At some point I sat across from her at a meeting, purposefully, and got a chance to make eye contact, and it was quite strange, the progression.  She has these grey-green eyes.  We made eye contact, but moved away then I caught this strange look on her face, some amused fascination that she didn't know she was showing, a strange nakedness.  It was as if she saw me as a child, for just a moment, then I looked away, not wanting to embarass her.

The next time we looked I crooked my head and smiled, an endearing smile, "I like you."

I was surprised it came out, as I hadn't done that in years, an old style.  It was designed to be calming, inviting, warm.

Sometimes I would let her look at me but I couldn't tell if she was, in my periphery.  She could have been looking at the clock behind me, but then I remembered there wasn't one.

Finally I got one last look in and we held each other's eyes in this very somber moment, both empty, looking deep to some other emptiness, far back.  There was no sex here, there was no endearing, there was just a timeless recognition.  I nodded my head at her, while I held her eyes, to acknowledge, I saw that.  I know what you're saying, I get it, you're not alone, we're both feeling this thing.

And later (I remember now I did write about this, I don't know if it was public, though) I saw her one more time before she left our team, I had to deliver something and she and a friend were leaving for their walk.  As Brandi and I stood talking about some work-related task, our eyes never left the other's, and her friend stood there staring at us, the shy girl, taking all this in, whatever it was.

I never said goodbye as intended when she left, because there was no way to really get to the heart of this thing in her little cubicle at work while another person sat the next cube over.  It just wouldn't have worked, so right now we each have the memory of this thing, and if we need to, we will find each other again and maybe see what this was about.

While I had intense visions of her at this time, some of them erotic, I seemed to move through that, I could see her husband now, and I could see it seemed some very small but solid sadness inside her, like a child had died, or something.

I don't know, but if she needs someone to talk to I'm quite sure she'll show up again, or I will find her.