I figured something out.  It seems strange even admitting it, but I think I want a family.

This occured to me last night when my friend Elaine called.  We haven't talked in ages, but we stay in touch.  We had dated about 3-4 years ago for 3 weeks or 3 months, I forget.  We both decided to quit, and stayed good friends.

But when she was talking to me last night, granted, I was drunk-- in sober daylight I could see my folly, but I remember distinctly thinking how cool it would be to have a kid with her.

Because of that, because of that very strong feeling, I was thinking about it today, in a more sober way.

By that I mean that I know the ins and outs of me and Elaine, and we would not be a good combination for parents of a child, though I can't help but think that we would make the most adorable baby.

I saw the whole thing, her family and me, and the wedding, and then our life together, and as usual I had to admit that the reality wasn't worth the fantasy.

Still, I had to admit: I want a family.

First, I want a girlfriend.

Then I want a child.

I thought about this in a new way, perhaps because now I have (and will continue to have) a good job.

I also thought of this amazing new thing I'd never realized.  I'd always assumed to live together we would have to get some place and spend all this money.

But she could stay here, we could pay my landlord more rent, and the whole thing would work, and here's how:

This is a one-bedroom house.  Plenty for a couple just starting out.

It works like this.

This room, where the computer is, stays the computer room.

The ps3 and the laptop are in the living room.

Basically the huge importance of this is that one person can be in one room doing something, and another person can be in the other room doing something, so we both have space.

We would get a washer/dryer combination, and have it outside, paying extra rent, still saving over any other place we could get, now.

We would put a bed or futon in the living room, that's where we'd sleep and if someone wanted to sleep in here, they could do that, too.

So I can have a live-in girlfriend, right here.

We can save money and plan for our family, from here.

So then I started thinking about the woman I will meet.

She has a stable job.

In this economy, with the earning power of any average individual, it is accepted that both parents will work.  This is just a fact of life, right now.

Plus, this gives her predictability, and stability, and it shows that she has the strength, she's been through similar things to me, she knows how to live on her own.

She doesn't watch tv.

This is a big thing with me.  I am not gonna come home to some asinine tv blaring.  Or, if it is, she can watch it in here.  I will not have a tv in my main living space, it's offensive.

She is affectionate, she likes to be touched, she likes intimacy.

This is very important, this is huge.

We don't have to be all huggy in public, but my girlfriend will be one who likes to be touched, and who likes to touch, who delights in that way of relating.

She's not afraid to initiate this, either.  Of course, I'm not.

She likes sex, she likes body fluids, she likes exploration and expression, physically.

She doesn't have hangups about her body.  She doesn't have hangups about mine.

She doesn't have hangups about sex.

She's spiritual.

She's open-minded.

She's liberal-progressive.

She has done good research on child-rearing (as I have).

She likes video games (this is not a requirement, but would be nice).

She has a healthy sense of herself in relation to the world; she's not materialistic to a horrible degree, she's not a princess, she's not sexist.

She doesn't want a ridiculously expensive wedding.

She's comfortable with her body.  Very important.

She's not offended by porn.

Now, as for looks.

At this point, it doesn't matter that much.

While I envision a blonde or redhead with a fine ass, she could be anything, any color.

She could be Asian, Black, Mexican, Native American, White, Indian.

Here's the only problems I see with cultures that are not white:

Asian: I don't find them attractive, unless they've grown up American, and I have seen very few of these.  I don't tend to like Asian bodies.  Call me a prick, but even that Asian girl at work, I can see her vibes and everything, and I'm not feeling it, for whatever reason.  So while I'm open to the possibility, I think it's the least likely.

Black: there are some very attractive black women at work, and I'm not opposed to a relationship like this, but I am not sure how well I would handle all the social ramifications of this, as people in America, especially now, tend to be either super accepting or super opposed.

Mexican: there are still some cultural problems here, as I discovered with someone I dated.  People judge you, it's stupid.  But the biggest problem with Mexican culture is the whole stereotype sexist thing, which is really a big part of that culture: the woman does this, the man does that, and the whole family supports this.  It would be hard to find a mexican girl who was not partial to this cultural push.

Native American?  We are so different, and they are so rare and so unlike me, I just don't see this possibility.  I'm not opposed-- I just don't see the potentiality, I don't see the possibility.

Indian-- Again, we have a cultural divide, with the whole family breathing down your back.  And while I've seen many beautiful Indian women, I'm not motivated towards them physically, for whatever reason.

My attraction would tend to go like this:

1) White
2) Mexican
3) Black
4) Asian, Indian, Native American

What's sad is that mixing with a different "race" would create a better kid, we'd have a better gene pool-- the kid would be more resistant to disease, more intelligent, more pretty.

But it's much easier, culturally, to mix with a white girl, because the rhythms would tend to synchronize easier.

So I see a blonde or redhead, but as I said, I'm open.

I'm an ass man.  You don't have to have any tits, if you have that ass.

Of course, I love nice titties, too-- so if you have great tits and a flat ass, that's okay, too-- I know, I've been there, and I have no problem with this.

I have no problem with any generally healthy body.

If you respect yourself, I'm okay, you and me will be fine.

So I've laid it out, I know what she's like, who I want, and this is going to happen.

Oh, I forgot to mention.  I would prefer someone who doesn't already have kids.  I did that.  At this point in my life, I want to start fresh, and I am looking for someone from 26-33 who does not already have kids.

I'm not interested in someone who had kids already with some stupid asshole who left them.

Sure, I'd love the kids.  But neither of us has enough money for this.

If I made 100k a year and could afford a 3-4 bedroom house, fine, I would be interested in women who already had kids.

It's really a matter of economics.

If you already have kids, that's a huge drain, economically.

If you only have one kid, you can't come live here.

I want to find someone who is single, who can come here and be my girlfriend, and we can have a baby and get married if you want.

As I said, if money were no object, not only would I not mind you having kids, I might not even need to have my own-- I'm almost certain of this.

However, money is a huge object, for most of us in this world, and I am not going to jeapordize my life or yours or the lives of your children simply because I and you do not make enough money.

It's not worth it, and it's not right for the kids.