Hi Alison,

Your daughter is a crack-up.  It's like she knows exactly what she's doing.  She is quite a ham for the camera!  Quite an evolved being, and so full of light.  That picture of her with the spaghetti totally looked like you, but when I studied it, I couldn't find out why.  She has your lips, but other than that, physically, she's like a perfect conglomeration of you and Eric.

I guess she was portraying a vibe that is like you when you're super happy.

We were watching John Edwards, and I was like, Star, look at him, doesn't he look like Alison's husband, the head?  They're both Italian!

She was like, "OMG, totally."

I hope this doesn't offend, but I found it interesting.

I don't want to seem totally cheesy but I'm glad that you have him, he seems like a very old soul, exactly what you needed.  And I think you're what he needed, and I think you're both what your daughter needed and I think all of you are blessed, and I'm happy for all of you.

Happy for Eric, because he is with such an amazing and spiritual person, happy for you because you are with such a grounded man (this is very good for you), and especially happy for your daughter, for having such wonderful parents.

***

I want to tell you about something.

I found this CD you had made for me, called "Tossed Salad: All Mixed Up"

It's been gone missing for years, but I found it and took it to work, because we can listen in headphones while we work (I have the most awesome job).

I got hit with a bunch of memories that I'd forgotten, for whatever reason.

In respect to your marriage, I love you as a friend, but I am no longer in love with you.

When I knew you were leaving and had found your person, I stopped being in love with you.

This gave me a profound sense of relief, because I felt that you had found the proper person for you, and it all made sense.  The vibrations were all very harmonic.

But I want to talk about this thing, my experience hearing this music that you made for me, because what happened is that I remembered all the things we did together and I remember how much love you gave me, even though we were never together physically, which I had originally wanted, but I am glad we were not.

I am glad that you stood by your boundaries.

You were like, no, I don't feel that, so I'm not going there.

The overwhelming feeling that I had, in this remembrance, was that I had no regrets with you, I had no remorse, I had no anger.

When I was with Nebraska, I fell in love with you when you worked at Starbucks, and I was so embued with you that it made me look hard at the relationship that I was in.

By that time, I had mostly paid my dues.

I had helped raise and be a father to Elijah, from the time he was 2, to when he was 6, I had been a Dad to Prindi who was in her teens, and I had been there for all of Sky's traumas.

When I look back on that bizzare relationship, the best thing was the kids, and I was there for them through that time, and I think I was a strong and loving father figure.

But at some point I was in love with you, and it felt way more real than anything I had with Nebraska, so I broke up with her, because I believed in what I felt with you.

I actually thought that we might be physical, and I didn't want to cheat on Nebraska, and I was in love with you, so I broke up with her, having helped raise Elijah and give Prindi a solid father-figure/friend and being there for Sky, too.

When I listened to this music, I started remembering what a profound friend you were to me.

It was like, you healed me, so totally.

If it hadn't been for you, I might have killed myself.

Everything was so horrible and desperate, yet here in the middle of it I could visit this wonderful person who I loved, for coffee, and we could talk, and I remember the sun setting over those talks, of God knows what.

I remember when I was living at my sister's and had a shitty job.

I'm 30+, I live at my sister's, and I have a job in retail.

Worthless.

Yet you let me visit at that huge house in Colton, and you made me rice and beans, and we had beers, and talked about music, and you talked about wondering whether or not you should have a kid!  HA!

And I kept trying to get with you, and you wouldn't.

I am so glad that you didn't.

That might sound stupid, but it's as if you saw the bigger picture.

So when I listen to that music you made me, I have nothing but good feelings.

It's not like other women I've known, where there's all this bizarre bad feeling mixed with sensuality.

I don't have any bad memories, associated with you, no bad feelings.

You were so loving.

It's like you taught me love.

You let me love you, and you loved me, and yet you wouldn't let me be with you.

But you still loved me, and let me love you.

And I don't think that profound experience would ever have happened if we had done things my way, in fact, I know it would'nt have.

I think you are a very wise person, Alison.

And I think, that you kept me alive.

And I'm so glad I'm alive today so that I can enjoy my nephews.

And they will never know, but I'll know, that I have you to thank for that, because of your capacity for love.