I remember why I started writing here, and this is superior for writing compared to myspace, but I don't have fans here, so that tends to get the readable pieces.

I use this more for thinking off the top of my head or trying to get ideas out that I can't put anywhere else.

Anyways, this one is about goals, hence the title of 'boring'.

I am going to find a way to build up my audio gear, yet again.  This time, video gear as well.

I am not sure how to do this in one fell swoop or even small ones yet, so I am just going to talk about some things that have been splashing around in the old greay matter.

...

Sheesh, I go to myspace, read my mail, I'm in a totally different mood, now.

Last night, and lately, I've had a tremendous number of dreams.  I have not written them down.

Today I woke at 4 am, so there's nothing to do but write them down.

For now, I barely remember two that happened, and while I'm remembering I have a strong sense of this person at work, a vision I had, and that is getting mixed up in this, too, but that was not a dream, but a vision, and it's all getting mixed up with that song memory thing via Chromatique that I just talked about, and that's happening too, it's all happening and it seems like being alive is the most incredible experience.

***

I remember sitting in that room I had, by the open window, at the computer.  The hills stretched out forever, the sun fell down, and the fog would come and go, and I remember that breeze that would sweep in, the smell of the hills.  The feeling imbued everything.  On the screen, that strange game, itself a bizarre exercise in atmosphere (the British one, where you were that little person and if you fell, the animation showed you scrunched to a ball-- I can't remember the name)-- I think I'm pulling from things, because the UK games and the UK songs had the strongest impact, how can an 8-bit computer game have 'atmosphere' to this degree-- I think I was doing what always happens, I was plugging into the time and the mentality and the surroundings of the person making it, just like on this song, I think Vangelis is UK, just like when I heard the Dots, but this is digression, I'm trying to point out how I get in the head of the person, I can feel their surroundings, this is why I can't enjoy all artists, because some of them have so much angst, and that hurts, or some artists are only in this euphoric state for a short period of their career, it's the time when you still have hope, it's like the way I felt back then, an artist too.

***

I was at this party for me, it was like the celebration I went to for my friend's graduation and her uncle was at my party, too.  It was in some older brightly lit place that was sort of like the church we lived in, only the walls were like they were cinderblock covered with plaster or adobe... smooth, cream-colored walls.  The place was messy like how we lived, various conglomerations of furniture with coverings.

I just remember feeling like I should be a good sport, I didn't care much that we were celebrating for me, I wanted to make sure the guests were comfortable and that my host knew I 'appreciated' it.

***

This other dream was similar, may have been an extension, because the 'house' was similar, but maybe a different area, certainly a different time.  Thomas was there and there were dogs.  There was also a piano.

I remember there were clothes everywhere, the furniture was in coverings, there were dogs, and Thomas was going out somewhere, maybe this was his house, and I decided to stay there for some reason, like I was gonna just hang out while he ran errands, and I was gonna play the piano.

It was pretty trippy because the house had the atmosphere and general shape (though larger) of Jeff's house in Banning, all those years ago.  It also had the feel of a mixture of all my friends' houses.  It's like the vibe was a mix of Jeff and Piers' houses, and our house, and Thomas' house.

Which is really weird.  A 'house' (see Jung) which featured all the vibes of the places of my closest friends, all mixed into one.

***

Now there were other dreams, but I cannot remember them.

***

I had a very strange vision before I went to bed, the sort of thing that hits you, and you suddenly understand something of someone, better.

This involved a person that I work with, and the vision was bohemian in the extreme.  It was the type of thing I would never think of, on my own.  It just came to me, and I suddenly saw this person in a new way and had a new understanding of her, and of some others.

061907

Last night was one of those times when I heard something and I was moved into another space, and my feelings were sort of like this mellow euphoria... this happens from time to time, it is often triggered by smells.  As I'm older, this feeling will hold longer, even than when I was younger.  There was a period of life where it hardly happened at all or so quickly I couldn't grab it.

When I was 17 I played this song on a dark grey day in our house on the hill.  The windows were open and a breeze was shifting the wispy drapes.  There was fog, it was late afternoon, and the song was pulling at my chest, as I thought of Barbara.  The feeling was of love, yet also a profound sense of loss.  The experience had a delicious pain.  After it happened I would play the song again in my mind to feel that pulling in my chest, to see again the drapes blowing gently, the dark grey fog beyond the windows, and permeating it was Barbara, who I didn't even know.  It was like I wasn't particularly in this life, anymore, I was in England, another time, another universe, some landscape of my heart.

So I found that song again last night, for the first time in years, I played it and it happened again, this strangeness, and it stayed with me, this landscape of feeling.

There were triggers of things remembered in there, from incredible perspectives that I have forgotten, amazing turns and curves, feelings and places, people, things, smells, dreams.  I was in some land of beautiful dreams again, and it was in a strange way like being on ecstasy, because there was no judgement, only beauty.

I guess this feeling is like being in heaven, because no one dies-- there's just strange beauty, surrounding you, everything is incredible, not in a euphoric sort of way, but almost in a sad way.  That sense of loss again, because this universe is a dreamland to most of us, because we don't believe it.

I fell in love with Heidi when I lived in the old house in Redlands, in that little studio apartment in the old victorian house.  There were 5 or 6 apartments in that one house, and she lived upstairs from me.

When I first moved there, I remember seeing this young woman with glasses exit the house and walk down the street, and I watched her through my curtains.

I was instantly entranced with her, for whatever reason.

I never thought anything could happen, because I found her so attractive.

Eventually, she got to know me.

She would knock on my door and we would make small talk.  I was very nervous, and would always excuse myself from the conversation.

One time when Ryan and me were practicing some 17 Strokes songs, she came down and knocked on the door.  We'd been smoking, and the room was foggy with green vapor.

She wanted to show me something, and invited me up to her apartment.

I was really stoned, and feeling the usual empathy/sexuality feelings that would come so strong, and I remember I chanced looking up as we mounted the stairs, watching her bottom, inappropriately, those beautiful sensual curves that only women possess.

We got inside and I don't know what she was showing me, but she asked if Ryan and me were smoking, I delayed my response but I could tell she was okay so I said "yes," and she said, "I knew you did."

Later, I would have conversations with her and sometimes she would come down and knock and I would let her in and we would talk, and one time I was laying on my bed on the floor and she was really antsy, and she lifted up her top and she had this black lace thing underneath, she was showing me that.  One time she came to my door and I had just finished jacking off, I was heading for the restroom when there was a knock and I was like, "Who is it?" instead of just opening it, because I was all creamy and naked.  I said, "I can't open the door right now, I just... got out of the shower, I'm not dressed."  She later told me that was hot, thinking of me naked behind the door.

One time she invited me up and I sat on her couch while she stood in front of me, and we started talking very frankly about sex.

It was very sensual, a lovemaking without touching.

After that, we would sometimes reference our sexual attraction to one another.  This was strange, because I couldn't imagine a girl that I was so attracted to, also finding me attractive.

But she was 'liberated', a feminist of sorts, a writer and an artist, things which I could appreciate, things I had a background in.

In the early days, her boyfriend was this controlling, jealous guy.

The rage I'd sensed from her the first time I saw her out that window was related to early episodes of being molested.

She left this guy, got a restraining order.  Then she met Adam, this Christian guy who looked like me only way better (straight teeth) but was extremely Christian, and not her equal, mentally.  He also didn't seem to be very sexual, but maybe that's what she needed.

So it was while she was with him and he was off at work one day that I was up there in her apartment and we were talking about sex and I said, "I want to eat you.  I want to lie on the bed and you can straddle my face, put your arms on the wall, and sit on my face."

She declined.  Plus, I never knew when Adam was coming home, I was extremely nervous, but I couldn't shut up.

Another time, she knocked on my door and wanted to go to this weird restaurant that was very dark, and had a smoking section, back when those existed.

We ate and talked, and when we went outside she said something about oral sex-- there was always a sexual tension between us and I loved her company, but I also was very physically attracted to her.  She said something about sucking my cock, and I had the strange response of "I wouldn't come..."  I have no idea why I said that.

She said, "Yes, you would, you would explode in my mouth."

I later told Ryan this, and he burst out laughing.

"Yeah, sure you wouldn't!"

There's a picture of me and Ryan and Heidi.

He told me one time, he'd thought more than once of having some kinda threeway thing with her.  I thought how weird that would be, me and my friend, with our dicks out.

When I moved to northern California for 6 months, I was so lonely and so missed my friends, I wrote Heidi this strange letter telling her I wanted to make love to her, that I remembered hugging her goodbye in the apartment, and how she smelled, I wanted her to come up and see me.

She wrote me this very kind letter that she was in a relationship (Adam) so it was not respectful that I had said that.

I wrote back an apology, I never thought of the bigger picture back then, and she wrote a happy response that the apology was accepted.

One time when I lived there, she'd told me that she admired me, because I took so many risks.  I never saw myself that way.

Another time, feeling lonely and longing, I knocked on her door and said, "Go for a walk with me, come on."  I was so needy.

She declined, had things to do, probably knew what was really on my mind.

I got mad and stormed off, took the walk alone.

Anyways, I have been trying to find or get ahold of her or Jocelyn, two amazing women I knew before I met Nebraska.

After I met Nebraska, I no longer had any interaction with either Jocelyn or Heidi, probably knowing on a subliminal level that these women might call into question the rather strange relationship I had now begun to pursue.

So all today I tried to find Heidi, and I think she went to San Luis Obispo Cal Poly and became a teacher of English, but it seems only until 2004.  After that I find nothing.

I was thinking, there... there is the woman I'd like to marry.

I'd had a dream of her long ago, when I was living in Loma Linda, after returning from up north, and she would want to see me, and I wouldn't see her, because I had no concept of my own value.  She would get kinda mad, because we were friends.

I saw her at the coffee shop I worked at briefly when I was first dating Nebraska, and it was very emotional and I hugged her, and the only other time I saw her, I was walking with Nebraska down the street where I used to live, where Heidi still lived, and Heidi came out of that old house, and she saw Nebraska and me walking, down the street, and I got on the other side of Nebraska so that Heidi couldn't see me, I was that fucked up.  It was just the nervousness of social things and I thought Nebraska was everything and I didn't want to mess it up in any way, so I dropped my two previous very strong and sensual relationships with these wonderful women, Jocelyn and Heidi, and now I'm trying to find them both, looking them up on the internet.

I looked myself up, to see if someone could find me but I'm not sure.  If you google my band, you can find me.  But if you google my name, there's so many of us, I'm not sure.

Well.

I would like to marry Heidi, and have a child with her.  I figured it out, she's the perfect one, she matches me perfectly, and by now we both have worked out all the angst either of us could ever have had.

Isn't that strange.  She's gone, and now I'm ready.  Yet earlier, 10 or more years ago, neither of us could have handled a relationship with the other.

Tags: love

061607

I spoke with Emily today, at the bank, I think that's her name, the soft white girl.  She is the one there who began engaging me in conversation, now the others do.  She had mentioned seeing me walking, around here, she lives near here.  I assume she has a boyfriend or is maybe even married, I thought I saw a ring, though maybe not a wedding ring.  One time they got me talking about something and I was explaining differences between women's and men's brains and why women seemed better at multi-tasking.

Anyways, I was glad to see her and we asked each other twice, how are you doing.  So it was kinda obvious we were trying to talk.

I think my second response was, "I just got off work, but it was overtime," and she asked where I worked, which I was glad to tell her.

I had been going in there for a while when I was unemployed, using my Mom's account, and cashing my unemployment checks.  While it wasn't the mortal embarassment it would have been even a couple years ago, I was still self-conscious and wanted opportunities for these women to see me in a fuller way-- that I did in fact now have a job, and also, finally, my own bank account, and maybe they even noticed I was dressing better.

Now the other two, they're gorgeous, have boyfriends and are far too young for me, and I've already vibed them and while a few times I felt infatuation, whenever I zoomed it out to a bigger picture there was just nothing there, and by the next day all those happy thoughts were mellowed with whatever wisdom seems to now befall such visions.

But Emily is more mature, has a very good head on her shoulders, is very calm.  I remember she vibed me when we were talking about how people treat each other.  I had complemented her change in hair style, and she told me the story of how one day she tried something different, which she thought looked fun and zany and a customer came up to her and said, "What went wrong with your hair?"

So we know how the other is, to some degree-- through conversation and vibes.

She asked me about jobs where I work, and I gave her the lowdown, how great the environment is, the purpose, the pay.

She didn't seem too impressed with the pay, although I couldn't really give her a good idea on management, her interest, as she'll have a ba in that by December.  I told her to look it up on the internet.

I want to talk about vibes that happen when I discuss things I care about or am delighted by, but I don't want this to become overly self-indulgent.  However, it seems that in order to cover this, I shall have to be self-indulgent, and I apologize in advance.  I am not attempting to brag, I think I am curious about how different I am from how I used to be, and it is in the interest of this comparison that I divulge the following observations.

This may have really started with Alison, when we would meet for coffee.  I would start talking about things that were amazing to me, and I would be smiling, and I could feel this glow coming off me, and I could feel her watching me intensely.  It was as if she were enjoying that glow, entering into it, and she liked it whenever I gave off that glow, because it was a healing thing she could bask in.  Now, I wasn't conscious of this at the time, except that I may have been aware of not holding back, not being aware of my crooked teeth, weird stuff like that.  It was only later in memory, the playback, I would see her sitting in that glow.

This has happened at work, where it didn't have a chance really to happen at my other jobs, for numerous reasons which I won't go into here, both with environment, myself, and the people I was engaged with.

But at this job, I remember it happening with Audrey, who I adore, who is getting married I believe Aug 2.  When I came back, there was a disconnect, nothing hostile, but she was moving into the marriage and I... I was overcoming depression and often hungover.  I shied from people, with my bleary eyes.

But lately, as I've drank less and been eliminating toxins, I can feel my vibe coming back, that thing that attracts people to you, where you turn and find them looking.

Again, I'm only saying this to acknowledge something happening that is new, coming from a history of such low self-esteem.

I remember yesterday, I was rather paranoid.  I was feeling quite free and playful, though still on a down note, as I am still recovering from the abuse I've put myself through.  I tend to feel a bit woozy, throughout the day.  Sometimes my stomach hurts, I have to shit a lot, sometimes things look a little hazy, sometimes my body moves laconically.

But yesterday, I was more uppity, very fired up with getting all my work done that Friday, and really high on the music in my head.

Leah, my boss' boss may not have had much to do that day, she kept walking around, and it was making me nervous.  I was over by the copier a long time and I was kinda moving to the tunes in my head, discreetly.

The music was so strong, I was just kinda moving to it, but I know it looked like just business, like I'd had too much coffee.

What's weird is no one does that, except Ray, who belts out in song.  Sometimes Ray will come to our floor, I'll hear the far door open and close and he'll be singing, getting closer.  Then he'll pass by us and I'll give him a nod or a smile, like keep it up, brother, and then he'll pass on through another door, he just felt like coming through singing.

While I was there at the copier I kept imagining, in my paranoia, Leah later making some observation about how wacky and 'out there' I was, and in my defense I say, "I'm like Ray.  That's all."

Sometimes she smiles at me and I feel a lot of things off her, I pull a lot off her.

She's very attractive, and I remember when I was there before we were in a meeting and she sat across from me and that eye thing happened.  It's sorta flirtation, but it's deeper.  It's this immediate and deep appreciation for the person who's eyes your looking into, and the eyes always take on a deeper tone, and you see very clearly, past this life, you see back, to the soul, sitting there, looking out at you, timeless.

After that happened it was like we had this understanding, but then I left.

And when I came back, I was always hungover.

When she would smile at me, I would crinkle my face and turn my head in a manufactured smile, designed to put someone at ease, but conveying nothing.  I don't show my eyes when I'm like that, there's nothing there to see.

I was subtly flippant, impersonal.  Not inappropriate, but empty.

I could tell Audrey was not drawn, something in her was warning her back-- her background would dictate this.

These are all very subtle things, nothing that could ever be documented.  The only thing you could document was that I seemed to be a good worker, who had friendly interaction with the people around me.

Sometimes my stomach would start hurting, and I'd have all this gas, and my body would hardly move, and I felt so bloated, I would get up to do something, grabbing some files or whatever, it's amazing I could do my work, and I felt my face looked like stone hiding pain and discomfort, moved about my task, shut in-- if someone approached and smiled, I gave them that smile that didn't show my eyes.  A parody, they'd probably not know on any level consciously.

So recently I'm imagining a wife, and I can see her in certain ways, but in others I can't, because I know I'm not ready for that thing, that thing which will happen.  I might be in my car, after work, going to the store, and I'll be thinking about a woman.  But then I'll say, Seriously, dude-- do you really feel like going home to a woman, right now?  To anyone?

No, right now I don't.

But I think about it a lot, and it's manifesting.

So when I was in the bank and I saw Emily of course I put her in this role, to see what would happen.

It was not bad, at all.  Except that she has a boyfriend.  Which is fine, for now, as I don't need a girlfriend.  Maybe she'll leave him, maybe I'll be there.  She would be a good mom.  I don't know if she's the one.  But when I vibe her deeper it seems she can handle certain things, even though a lot of what I would show her might be new-- but she's an older soul.

As for Audrey, she is definately more in touch with me, or I am with her, when I'm not hungover.  The clearer I get, the clearer I can see her.  She likes me.  It's like she thought I'd disappeared and was delighted, today for example, and the other day, little tiny vibes I won't go into, where I felt her connecting with me again, or maybe I was connecting with her again, getting something back.  Obviously she's getting married, they will probably move away, but she's a good connection, and I like her.

I don't know if I've written what happened with Barbi.

How the first time I saw her, the vibe off her was really strong, and I was pulled, and I started stealing glances at her.  I thought at first it was some infatuation, but it didn't seem to be entirely physical, just a little.  Her hair, the way she dressed, the way she moved, the way she talked to people.

At some point she asked me something and we engaged in this conversation and instantly our voices were very melodic and intimate, our bodies were intwined in this warm aura, there was an immediacy, a familiarity there, an instant appreciation.

At some point I sat across from her at a meeting, purposefully, and got a chance to make eye contact, and it was quite strange, the progression.  She has these grey-green eyes.  We made eye contact, but moved away then I caught this strange look on her face, some amused fascination that she didn't know she was showing, a strange nakedness.  It was as if she saw me as a child, for just a moment, then I looked away, not wanting to embarass her.

The next time we looked I crooked my head and smiled, an endearing smile, "I like you."

I was surprised it came out, as I hadn't done that in years, an old style.  It was designed to be calming, inviting, warm.

Sometimes I would let her look at me but I couldn't tell if she was, in my periphery.  She could have been looking at the clock behind me, but then I remembered there wasn't one.

Finally I got one last look in and we held each other's eyes in this very somber moment, both empty, looking deep to some other emptiness, far back.  There was no sex here, there was no endearing, there was just a timeless recognition.  I nodded my head at her, while I held her eyes, to acknowledge, I saw that.  I know what you're saying, I get it, you're not alone, we're both feeling this thing.

And later (I remember now I did write about this, I don't know if it was public, though) I saw her one more time before she left our team, I had to deliver something and she and a friend were leaving for their walk.  As Brandi and I stood talking about some work-related task, our eyes never left the other's, and her friend stood there staring at us, the shy girl, taking all this in, whatever it was.

I never said goodbye as intended when she left, because there was no way to really get to the heart of this thing in her little cubicle at work while another person sat the next cube over.  It just wouldn't have worked, so right now we each have the memory of this thing, and if we need to, we will find each other again and maybe see what this was about.

While I had intense visions of her at this time, some of them erotic, I seemed to move through that, I could see her husband now, and I could see it seemed some very small but solid sadness inside her, like a child had died, or something.

I don't know, but if she needs someone to talk to I'm quite sure she'll show up again, or I will find her.

So I decide today that I want a girlfriend, I see the vision of her living here with me while we both work and save up for the child that we're going to have.

And I wrote the goals of what this girl would be like.

Then I went online to PlentyOfFish.com to find her.

I came up with a bunch of freakin losers.

I remembered Noelle, out of nowhere.

Now, there's a woman.

She's divorced, has like 4 kids, lives in Texas.  She's a writer.  She's compassionate, and passionate.

Suddenly all I wanted was Noelle, so I called her.

We talked a while, but I did tell her, that I called her because I was looking for women online and remembered her and how wonderful she was and I would love to lie naked with her and make love to her.

She had done this neat thing, she'd sent me a CD of some music she liked.

You know, the modern version of flowers is someone making you a compilation CD.

Well she did that, and she made these special graphics on the CD holder, and on the CD itself, and then she included this really nice thick stationary describing the various songs.

Now who does that, these days?

So I was very moved by this, it made me feel special.

Anyways.  Here I am looking for women, and I can't find them, I can't find people who match me, but there was Noelle, and she keeps being in my dreams.

So I saw myself making love to Noelle, and I told her this, and she was cool with it, but she said we would crash and burn.

And I said, no we wouldn't, we would make love as much as we needed to, then we would be good friends, still, and I believe that.

I figured something out.  It seems strange even admitting it, but I think I want a family.

This occured to me last night when my friend Elaine called.  We haven't talked in ages, but we stay in touch.  We had dated about 3-4 years ago for 3 weeks or 3 months, I forget.  We both decided to quit, and stayed good friends.

But when she was talking to me last night, granted, I was drunk-- in sober daylight I could see my folly, but I remember distinctly thinking how cool it would be to have a kid with her.

Because of that, because of that very strong feeling, I was thinking about it today, in a more sober way.

By that I mean that I know the ins and outs of me and Elaine, and we would not be a good combination for parents of a child, though I can't help but think that we would make the most adorable baby.

I saw the whole thing, her family and me, and the wedding, and then our life together, and as usual I had to admit that the reality wasn't worth the fantasy.

Still, I had to admit: I want a family.

First, I want a girlfriend.

Then I want a child.

I thought about this in a new way, perhaps because now I have (and will continue to have) a good job.

I also thought of this amazing new thing I'd never realized.  I'd always assumed to live together we would have to get some place and spend all this money.

But she could stay here, we could pay my landlord more rent, and the whole thing would work, and here's how:

This is a one-bedroom house.  Plenty for a couple just starting out.

It works like this.

This room, where the computer is, stays the computer room.

The ps3 and the laptop are in the living room.

Basically the huge importance of this is that one person can be in one room doing something, and another person can be in the other room doing something, so we both have space.

We would get a washer/dryer combination, and have it outside, paying extra rent, still saving over any other place we could get, now.

We would put a bed or futon in the living room, that's where we'd sleep and if someone wanted to sleep in here, they could do that, too.

So I can have a live-in girlfriend, right here.

We can save money and plan for our family, from here.

So then I started thinking about the woman I will meet.

She has a stable job.

In this economy, with the earning power of any average individual, it is accepted that both parents will work.  This is just a fact of life, right now.

Plus, this gives her predictability, and stability, and it shows that she has the strength, she's been through similar things to me, she knows how to live on her own.

She doesn't watch tv.

This is a big thing with me.  I am not gonna come home to some asinine tv blaring.  Or, if it is, she can watch it in here.  I will not have a tv in my main living space, it's offensive.

She is affectionate, she likes to be touched, she likes intimacy.

This is very important, this is huge.

We don't have to be all huggy in public, but my girlfriend will be one who likes to be touched, and who likes to touch, who delights in that way of relating.

She's not afraid to initiate this, either.  Of course, I'm not.

She likes sex, she likes body fluids, she likes exploration and expression, physically.

She doesn't have hangups about her body.  She doesn't have hangups about mine.

She doesn't have hangups about sex.

She's spiritual.

She's open-minded.

She's liberal-progressive.

She has done good research on child-rearing (as I have).

She likes video games (this is not a requirement, but would be nice).

She has a healthy sense of herself in relation to the world; she's not materialistic to a horrible degree, she's not a princess, she's not sexist.

She doesn't want a ridiculously expensive wedding.

She's comfortable with her body.  Very important.

She's not offended by porn.

Now, as for looks.

At this point, it doesn't matter that much.

While I envision a blonde or redhead with a fine ass, she could be anything, any color.

She could be Asian, Black, Mexican, Native American, White, Indian.

Here's the only problems I see with cultures that are not white:

Asian: I don't find them attractive, unless they've grown up American, and I have seen very few of these.  I don't tend to like Asian bodies.  Call me a prick, but even that Asian girl at work, I can see her vibes and everything, and I'm not feeling it, for whatever reason.  So while I'm open to the possibility, I think it's the least likely.

Black: there are some very attractive black women at work, and I'm not opposed to a relationship like this, but I am not sure how well I would handle all the social ramifications of this, as people in America, especially now, tend to be either super accepting or super opposed.

Mexican: there are still some cultural problems here, as I discovered with someone I dated.  People judge you, it's stupid.  But the biggest problem with Mexican culture is the whole stereotype sexist thing, which is really a big part of that culture: the woman does this, the man does that, and the whole family supports this.  It would be hard to find a mexican girl who was not partial to this cultural push.

Native American?  We are so different, and they are so rare and so unlike me, I just don't see this possibility.  I'm not opposed-- I just don't see the potentiality, I don't see the possibility.

Indian-- Again, we have a cultural divide, with the whole family breathing down your back.  And while I've seen many beautiful Indian women, I'm not motivated towards them physically, for whatever reason.

My attraction would tend to go like this:

1) White
2) Mexican
3) Black
4) Asian, Indian, Native American

What's sad is that mixing with a different "race" would create a better kid, we'd have a better gene pool-- the kid would be more resistant to disease, more intelligent, more pretty.

But it's much easier, culturally, to mix with a white girl, because the rhythms would tend to synchronize easier.

So I see a blonde or redhead, but as I said, I'm open.

I'm an ass man.  You don't have to have any tits, if you have that ass.

Of course, I love nice titties, too-- so if you have great tits and a flat ass, that's okay, too-- I know, I've been there, and I have no problem with this.

I have no problem with any generally healthy body.

If you respect yourself, I'm okay, you and me will be fine.

So I've laid it out, I know what she's like, who I want, and this is going to happen.

Oh, I forgot to mention.  I would prefer someone who doesn't already have kids.  I did that.  At this point in my life, I want to start fresh, and I am looking for someone from 26-33 who does not already have kids.

I'm not interested in someone who had kids already with some stupid asshole who left them.

Sure, I'd love the kids.  But neither of us has enough money for this.

If I made 100k a year and could afford a 3-4 bedroom house, fine, I would be interested in women who already had kids.

It's really a matter of economics.

If you already have kids, that's a huge drain, economically.

If you only have one kid, you can't come live here.

I want to find someone who is single, who can come here and be my girlfriend, and we can have a baby and get married if you want.

As I said, if money were no object, not only would I not mind you having kids, I might not even need to have my own-- I'm almost certain of this.

However, money is a huge object, for most of us in this world, and I am not going to jeapordize my life or yours or the lives of your children simply because I and you do not make enough money.

It's not worth it, and it's not right for the kids.

Hi Alison,

Your daughter is a crack-up.  It's like she knows exactly what she's doing.  She is quite a ham for the camera!  Quite an evolved being, and so full of light.  That picture of her with the spaghetti totally looked like you, but when I studied it, I couldn't find out why.  She has your lips, but other than that, physically, she's like a perfect conglomeration of you and Eric.

I guess she was portraying a vibe that is like you when you're super happy.

We were watching John Edwards, and I was like, Star, look at him, doesn't he look like Alison's husband, the head?  They're both Italian!

She was like, "OMG, totally."

I hope this doesn't offend, but I found it interesting.

I don't want to seem totally cheesy but I'm glad that you have him, he seems like a very old soul, exactly what you needed.  And I think you're what he needed, and I think you're both what your daughter needed and I think all of you are blessed, and I'm happy for all of you.

Happy for Eric, because he is with such an amazing and spiritual person, happy for you because you are with such a grounded man (this is very good for you), and especially happy for your daughter, for having such wonderful parents.

***

I want to tell you about something.

I found this CD you had made for me, called "Tossed Salad: All Mixed Up"

It's been gone missing for years, but I found it and took it to work, because we can listen in headphones while we work (I have the most awesome job).

I got hit with a bunch of memories that I'd forgotten, for whatever reason.

In respect to your marriage, I love you as a friend, but I am no longer in love with you.

When I knew you were leaving and had found your person, I stopped being in love with you.

This gave me a profound sense of relief, because I felt that you had found the proper person for you, and it all made sense.  The vibrations were all very harmonic.

But I want to talk about this thing, my experience hearing this music that you made for me, because what happened is that I remembered all the things we did together and I remember how much love you gave me, even though we were never together physically, which I had originally wanted, but I am glad we were not.

I am glad that you stood by your boundaries.

You were like, no, I don't feel that, so I'm not going there.

The overwhelming feeling that I had, in this remembrance, was that I had no regrets with you, I had no remorse, I had no anger.

When I was with Nebraska, I fell in love with you when you worked at Starbucks, and I was so embued with you that it made me look hard at the relationship that I was in.

By that time, I had mostly paid my dues.

I had helped raise and be a father to Elijah, from the time he was 2, to when he was 6, I had been a Dad to Prindi who was in her teens, and I had been there for all of Sky's traumas.

When I look back on that bizzare relationship, the best thing was the kids, and I was there for them through that time, and I think I was a strong and loving father figure.

But at some point I was in love with you, and it felt way more real than anything I had with Nebraska, so I broke up with her, because I believed in what I felt with you.

I actually thought that we might be physical, and I didn't want to cheat on Nebraska, and I was in love with you, so I broke up with her, having helped raise Elijah and give Prindi a solid father-figure/friend and being there for Sky, too.

When I listened to this music, I started remembering what a profound friend you were to me.

It was like, you healed me, so totally.

If it hadn't been for you, I might have killed myself.

Everything was so horrible and desperate, yet here in the middle of it I could visit this wonderful person who I loved, for coffee, and we could talk, and I remember the sun setting over those talks, of God knows what.

I remember when I was living at my sister's and had a shitty job.

I'm 30+, I live at my sister's, and I have a job in retail.

Worthless.

Yet you let me visit at that huge house in Colton, and you made me rice and beans, and we had beers, and talked about music, and you talked about wondering whether or not you should have a kid!  HA!

And I kept trying to get with you, and you wouldn't.

I am so glad that you didn't.

That might sound stupid, but it's as if you saw the bigger picture.

So when I listen to that music you made me, I have nothing but good feelings.

It's not like other women I've known, where there's all this bizarre bad feeling mixed with sensuality.

I don't have any bad memories, associated with you, no bad feelings.

You were so loving.

It's like you taught me love.

You let me love you, and you loved me, and yet you wouldn't let me be with you.

But you still loved me, and let me love you.

And I don't think that profound experience would ever have happened if we had done things my way, in fact, I know it would'nt have.

I think you are a very wise person, Alison.

And I think, that you kept me alive.

And I'm so glad I'm alive today so that I can enjoy my nephews.

And they will never know, but I'll know, that I have you to thank for that, because of your capacity for love.

The earlier version I edited pretty heavily, the first version was crap.  But when I went to post it on myspace, thinking it was halfway-decent, I realized I still needed to edit more, to get rhythms down, at least in the introduction, and to invite people in.  I only edited the intro, which was wasted space, anyway.  No one cares.  They want a good story.

A Night With Tiffany
Current mood: weird
Category: Life

When I heard this music, I remembered an innocent expectation.

I went to college cities, filled with young women, and the vibration in the air was absolutely intoxicating. I thought that because I felt this, my premonition would lead to actuality.

These starry nights struck me, but I was no match for myself.

In any fight, I would always take myself down, often in the first few rounds, a knockout punch between the eyes, bloodied nose, eyes rolling back, body hits the floor, and you're down for the count.

I began to take risks, so that I came to creep on the potentiality of experience.

Surprised, when Heidi, who I was totally enamored of and totally in lust and maybe in love with, told me: "I admire you. You're a free spirit. You do whatever you want."

Even with her saying that, even with all the wonderful things she told me, I still chose to not believe.

I had been choosing this for years.

Here's a rather strange example, one of many:

I was at my friend's college dorm, I made myself go there, because I knew that I was supposed to do scary things, be around people. I'd read lots of books about shyness and human sexuality. I was informed, I knew the risks, I knew the potential paybacks, I was ready to jump.

So I got all gussied up, and went out and somehow Tiffany was there.

Tiffany was David's new sister-in-law, and I really liked her.

This brings up that whole night when David called me when I was 19 because I had a car and he didn't, and his mom wanted us to track his Dad, follow him, because she suspected he had a girlfriend (she was right). I lived on the mountain, and his Dad worked at a boys' home, there. She thought he was cheating, and David asked if I would pick him up that evening, go up the mountain and wait for his Dad to leave, then follow him to see where he went-- sometimes reaching speeds of 77 mph in my old car.

I was in love with David's mom. Totally in love. I loved her, I was in love with her, I lusted her, I suspect I even became friends with David... because of his Mom. When I first met David in computer class, he was really nerdy and had more bizarre social behaviour than me. But at awards night (I got an award for computer programming), I saw David there, but I also saw his Mom, and I was totally consumed with her vibration. I knew I was in love and I knew that David was going to be a very dear friend of mine, and I would get to see his mom.

Anyways.

So us chasing his Dad in my old Camaro is another story, but ultimately they divorced and she found this really cool guy with a really hot daughter, a couple years older than me. This would be Tiffany.

Tiffany was hot in the strangest way. She was way out there, real hippiesh, but pretty, though goofy, and I was entranced with her.

Being entranced with women is nothing new to me.

So we're at this party at my friend's dorm, and Tiffany is there, and things start to wind down.

How is Tiffany there. I don't know. Life is full of weird coincidences.

The dorm is very small, painted white, there's a small tube tv (hey, this was the early 90's!) on the dresser, lots of bottles, a couple table chairs, and bunkbeds.

The lights were off, but the door was open, and Tiffany sat in front of that door in a kitchen chair, the light streaming over her from the hallway, facing me.

I was sitting in a chair about 6 feet from her, which was almost the length of that tiny dorm.

My friend was in his top bunk, just laying there. I don't know if he was talking to us or I thought he'd passed out, or what.

Tiffany sits in this fricken straight-backed chair, and I'm sitting in a chair, and she's looking at me.

It was obvious I liked her, I had found a way, through David, to write her letters.

I used to write her letters, snail-mail, and she would write me, and the letters smelled wonderful, which she said she did on purpose.

So it's not like there wasn't something there.

I guess. I dunno.

Anyways, I'm looking at her, wanting her desperately, but also fighting with a profound feeling of being a worthless piece of shit.

So my idea, whenever this would happen was that, I hoped she would come over and "be" with me.

I was always hoping things.

I was not very aggressive, our entire family was not. We tended to let things happen to us.

So Tiff and I sat there looking at each other, and nothing happened. What started as a really positive-vibe flirtation "I am excited by you" thing became something less because neither one of us moved.

I didn't go over there, and I started to feel depressed. I was the man, I was supposed to do something, but I couldn't, didn't she like me enough to just come over and "be" with me?

The vibration was changing, because I didn't know what to do, and she didn't, I didn't know how to make her come over and be with me, I didn't know how to approach her without my voice shaking or without being goofy, and my friend was in the upper bunk so he might be aware of anything stupid I might do.

Everything hinged on every next perceived action or inaction, like: one move, and you get a fatality, and I always thought it was a 10% chance of success, so I never really went for that perceived 10%.

I could have said her name, quietly.

"C'mere."

Waving her over, like we have a secret. That makes a smile. The vibes are saying what's real. We both know all the ramifications of this standoff.

Now I'm going to move first, no matter how silly it seems, because I know you would like me to, and at the very least, we can smile at the sheer goofiness of it.

Wave of the hand, a comforting, playful tug.

You don't look at her in that way, you simply motion her over, because you want her closer, and you know that she wants to be close. She wants comfort, you know that now.

You project this idea, of holding, of warmth, of security.

It's not a question of lust. It's a question of trust, of comfort, of serenity. The way it feels when you need to be held so badly, and then suddenly, someone's holding you, and you're holding them, and everything is right in the world.

That didn't happen.

We were looking at each other with an open abandonment, an obvious need.

I didn't know what to do, all I knew to do was send sex vibes. I knew that I wanted her, that's all I knew, and I projected that.

The vibration began to fail. She doesn't want neediness, she wants comfort. She doesn't want to comfort me, she wants to be comforted.

I felt worthlessness draw it's heavy blanket down me.

I've failed. I have failed you.

I could feel my face pulling down, I could feel that needy thing coming out of my eyes.

Please please please come over to me, stand up, walk over, and sit on my lap and hold me, show me you need me.

She got up from the chair.

She climbed into the top bunk with my friend.

They proceeded to make out.

I sat there a moment and listened to them, and thought what a piece of shit I was.

When they started fucking, I went over to the tv, and drank the leftovers from every bottle.

They were in blankets, in semi-darkness, moving in those intimate ways.

I drank the leftovers of every bottle until I didn't care how much they moaned.

I got into the bottom bunk and passed out.

I never heard them come.

I looked into this mirror backwards and accidentally, found another universe.

I heard music, I was transported to a time when I the future would unfold to an amazing thing, an experience of something I'd tasted, but which I would have, forever.

I was with friends, entranced by life, with love and possibility, the colors in a person's space, the smells, the sounds of our voices, alive and full of sensual promise.

I felt this, at work.

We can listen to music in headphones.

When I put this in, I was so overcome with emotion, I was crying, though no one noticed.

The absolute beautiful possibility of everything, I saw it, sitting at my desk, I felt it.

I had always assumed it would happen.

Our family spending some goofy boring day at Lake Fulmor, and the whole time I kept thinking I was going to meet a girl, I always thought that, wherever we went.

On the ride home, I fight with my family, so mad that nothing had happened, and back home, potentiality was drained, if there was one, in the first place.

I felt passion in things, in art, I expected my life would fill with such passion, that women would love me, I would be taken on some wild flight, that all the things I felt when I listened to music would really happen, because I felt them.

Surely, these things just happened to people, because I would look at people's lives, and some didn't have to try, for any of the things I wanted.

Attractive and popular, charismatic-- as if they had always been that way.

It was so easy for them, I assumed eventually it would happen to me.

I just happened to learn music, I just happened to be an artist, I just happened to be intelligent, so it seemed to follow that with these qualities I would just happen to find support and love and romance and all the beautiful emotional things that I felt, but was often short of actually experiencing.

So when I heard this music, I remembered that innocent expectation.

I went to college cities, filled with young women, and the vibration in the air was absolutely intoxicating.  I thought that because I felt this, my premonition would lead to actuality.

I always thought this.  I thought that when a girl flirted with me, I was attractive, therefore she would eventually seduce me.

Of course in actuality the flipside to this is that I was so bogged down with esteem and social anxiety issues, that later I remembered, a number of woman actually did make passes-- and I blew them all off because I was desperately frightened of the very thing I wanted, and I suppose it didn't fit my self-construct which was generally: worthless ugly person who sometimes felt attractive.

I was no match for myself.

In any fight, I would always take myself down, often in the first few rounds, a knockout punch between the eyes, bloodied nose, eyes rolling back, body hits the floor, and you're down for the count.

When I remembered these things, when I remember these starry nights, it struck me, because I have apparently turned this thing off.

I have turned off the belief, because I learned (or chose to accept) that the belief fails.

Of course, I taught myself that.

I began to take risks, so that I came to creep up on the experience of potentiality.  I remember being totally surprised when Heidi, who I was totally enamored of and totally in lust and maybe in love with, told me: "I admire you.  You're a free spirit.  You do whatever you want."

Even with her saying that, even with all the wonderful things she told me, I still chose to not believe.

I had been choosing this for years.

Here's a rather strange example, one of many:

I was at my friend's college dorm, I made myself go there, because I knew that I was supposed to do scary things, be around people.  I'd read lots of books about shyness and human sexuality.  I was informed, I knew the risks, I knew the potential paybacks, I was ready to jump.

So I got all gussied up, and went out and somehow Tiffany was there.

Tiffany was David's new sister-in-law, and I really liked her.

This brings up that whole night when David called me when I was 19 because I had a car and he didn't, and his mom wanted us to track his Dad, follow him, because she suspected he had a girlfriend (she was right).  I lived on the mountain, and his Dad worked at a boys' home, there.  She thought he was cheating, and David asked if I would pick him up that evening, go up the mountain and wait for his Dad to leave, then follow him to see where he went-- sometimes reaching speeds of 77 mph in my old car.

I was in love with David's mom.  Totally in love.  I loved her, I was in love with her, I lusted her, I suspect I even became friends with David... because of his Mom.  When I first met David in computer class, he was really nerdy and had more bizarre social behaviour than me.  But at awards night (I got an award for computer programming), I saw David there, but I also saw his Mom, and I was totally consumed with her vibration.  I knew I was in love and I knew that David was going to be a very dear friend of mine, and I would get to see his mom.

Anyways.

So us chasing his Dad in my old Camaro is another story, but ultimately they divorced and she found this really cool guy with a really hot daughter, a couple years older than me.  This would be Tiffany.

Tiffany was hot in the strangest way.  She was way out there, real hippiesh, but pretty, though goofy, and I was entranced with her.

Being entranced with women is nothing new to me.

So we're at this party at my friend's dorm, and Tiffany is there, and things start to wind down.

How is Tiffany there.  I don't know.  Life is full of weird coincidences.

The dorm is very small, painted white, there's a small tube tv (hey, this was the early 90's!) on the dresser, lots of bottles, a couple table chairs, and bunkbeds.

The lights were off, but the door was open, and Tiffany sat in front of that door in a kitchen chair, the light streaming over her from the hallway, facing me.

I was sitting in a chair about 6 feet from her, which was almost the length of that tiny dorm.

My friend was in his top bunk, just laying there.  I don't know if he was talking to us or I thought he'd passed out, or what.

Tiffany sits in this fricken straight-backed chair, and I'm sitting in a chair, and she's looking at me.

It was obvious I liked her, I had found a way, through David, to write her letters.

I used to write her letters, snail-mail, and she would write me, and the letters smelled wonderful, which she said she did on purpose.

So it's not like there wasn't something there.

I guess.  I dunno.

Anyways, I'm looking at her, wanting her desperately, but also fighting with a profound feeling of being a worthless piece of shit.

So my idea, whenever this would happen was that, I hoped she would come over and "be" with me.

I was always hoping things.

I was not very aggressive, our entire family was not.  We tended to let things happen to us.

So Tiff and I sat there looking at each other, and nothing happened.  What started as a really positive-vibe flirtation "I am excited by you" thing became something less because neither one of us moved.

I didn't go over there, and I started to feel depressed.  I was the man, I was supposed to do something, but I couldn't, didn't she like me enough to just come over and "be" with me? 

The vibration was changing, because I didn't know what to do, and she didn't, I didn't know how to make her come over and be with me, I didn't know how to approach her without my voice shaking or without being goofy, and my friend was in the upper bunk so he might be aware of anything stupid I might do.

Everything hinged on every next perceived action or inaction, like: one move, and you get a fatality, and I always thought it was a 10% chance of success, so I never really went for that perceived 10%.

I could have said her name, quietly.

"C'mere."

Waving her over, like we have a secret.  That makes a smile.  The vibes are saying what's real.  We both know all the ramifications of this standoff.

Now I'm going to move first, no matter how silly it seems, because I know you would like me to, and at the very least, we can smile at the sheer goofiness of it.

Wave of the hand, a comforting, playful tug.

You don't look at her in that way, you simply motion her over, because you want her closer, and you know that she wants to be close.  She wants comfort, you know that now.

You project this idea, of holding, of warmth, of security.

It's not a question of lust.  It's a question of trust, of comfort, of serenity.  The way it feels when you need to be held so badly, and then suddenly, someone's holding you, and you're holding them, and everything is right in the world.

That didn't happen.

We were looking at each other with an open abandonment, an obvious need.

I didn't know what to do, all I knew to do was send sex vibes.  I knew that I wanted her, that's all I knew, and I projected that.

The vibration began to fail.  She doesn't want neediness, she wants comfort.  She doesn't want to comfort me, she wants to be comforted.

I felt worthlessness draw it's heavy blanket down me.

I've failed.  I have failed you.

I could feel my face pulling down, I could feel that needy thing coming out of my eyes.

Please please please come over to me, stand up, walk over, and sit on my lap and hold me, show me you need me.

She got up from the chair.

She climbed into the top bunk with my friend.

They proceeded to make out.

I sat there a moment and listened to them, and thought what a piece of shit I was.

When they started fucking, I went over to the tv, and drank the leftovers from every bottle.

They were in blankets, in semi-darkness, moving in those intimate ways.

I drank the leftovers of every bottle until I didn't care how much they moaned.

I got into the bottom bunk and passed out.

I never heard them come.